When thinking of Tony Abbott the usual 'mad monk' stereotype that the media often spruiks does come to mind. However in 2012 I'm pretty sure Tony is gonna go join the circus to learn the graceful art of lion-taming.
I reckon it'd be a weekend thing in between parliamentary sitting days. Gotta get Tony into the well pressed suit and top-hat and into the ring with Malcolm. Are you with me? Just picture that, the circus theme and Tony smashing the whip into the excitable Malcolm Turncoat. What a sight!
The thing about Tony learning to be a lion-tamer, is the fact that it's a transferable skill. If he learns well, he'll be able to beat back Jools, Malcolm and Bob Carr all in one go.
Where Brendan Nelson would have used his hair to absorb political blows, much like the famous American teen comedy High School High, Tony has a distinct edge when it comes to lion-taming.
For one thing imagine him walking into negotiations with the Greens on climate change, when they decide to change the goalposts again.
He could give em a good whipping for their own good. The problem is Christine Milne, Sarah-Hanson-Young and Bobbie Brown might go all green in the face and turn into something like the Lord of the Flies. Suppose that's already happened!
In this eventuality Tony's Catholic prayer and stigmata skills would definitely come in handy. Opening a fresh wound on each of his opponents is vital and can only be successful if he goes through proper lion tamer training.
The trick is finding a circus close enough to Parliament House, but far enough away from the Lodge not to raise the attentive ire of its current co-habitationists.
After careful consideration I LesPJnr have been in contact with the Defense Department and they tell me that a secure Nuclear Bunker exists underneath Lake Burley Griffin!
Apparently it was used during the 1950s by ASIO as a place to house all the communist spy's and aliens they were trying to catch.
It's an area known as Knob-7 and is next to the newly enhanced interrogation center known only as Vag-1.
It'd be the ideal place to knock off work and stumble down for some lion tamer drills. There is a major problem with this plan though, who would want to teach Tony Abbott how to tame lions?
The best bet would be giving Barnaby Joyce a call. He loves that kind of stuff, in fact I've heard he wrote his own curriculum entitled "Extraordinary Lion Taming 101". Can't go wrong there!
Got the venue, got the teacher, now all we need is a lion for the cage. Someone should ring Dick Cheney. I've heard he's into pantomime! Might not be able to get a live lion, but Dick would be the next best thing. Besides he loves a bit of punishment!
So there you have it, I've got it all organized Tone, all you gotta do is rock up get the whip in hand and dish out some lion-tamer justice. Never know it might take your mind off looking over your should at Malcolm all the time!
LesPJnr writes from a hovel in an undisclosed Sydney suburb. He recently returned to Australia after doing a stint as a Journalist, Junior Diplomat and owner of Riyadh's only all Muslim Burlesque Club. He can be contacted via twitter at @LesPJnr