Written by CaptainSausage

Not yet published

image for Nick Clegg's Transformation Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg

An excerpt from Nick Clegg's diary...

4th May 2012.

I awoke this morning to the most peculiar sensation. I was lying on my back and I seemed to be unable to roll over at all. I felt trapped. My arms were weak and spindly and I was full of an overwhelming sense of paranoia.

After some struggling I was able to turn over onto my legs. I say legs for I now noticed that instead of arms and legs I now appeared to have 6 insectoid legs laying beneath me. I scurried to the bathroom where my reflection told the full tale.

Through my hexagonally pixellated vision, I saw myself clearly, a vast black beetle. How this had come to be I do not know, perhaps I am still dreaming. My wife appeared to have vanished.

Later that day I had a meeting with the Prime Minister. He was understanding of my plight - "some of my best friends are insects," he assured me. He promised to come around tomorrow to feed me and bring a doctor to see what could be done.

5th May 2012.

Dave came round again and brought some Jaffa cake, my favourite. Unfortunately I was unable to enjoy it and I took to eating out of the waste bin instead. My standards really have dropped. However will I explain this to the Lib Dem conference next month.

The doctor examined me but he said he was unfamiliar with the insectoid anatomy and was therefore unable to help. He thought I looked in good shape for a beetle, but he had no idea how I might turn back into a human again. He suggested I see a vet, or an entomologist.

Meanwhile I have taken to climbing up the walls, a feat I find quite easy with my new legs. Dave doesn't seem impressed by it.

6th May 2012.

Vince Cable appeared this morning. He had his minders bring him over in a large sack. Of course, the same thing has happened to him - he is now a grotesque hairy spider. I cannot help fearing the sight of him, being a natural prey for him now. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he eats me. He has already begun spinning webs in the corners of my house.

Perhaps it's time to step down as Lib Dem leader and let someone more human rule. But that will inevitably lead to a general election, and I doubt me and Vince will get many votes in our current state. Unless we give insects the vote...

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