A two year-long study completed by Cornell University's 'Bettelheim Group for SUPER-SUPER Loving Relationships' will appear in the March issue of 'The Journal of Love Me, Love You, Too,' the World's iconic medium for current research into why men and women and gays either relate or don't give a flying fart about one another. The Journal is published in 17 languages and even appears on newstands in the Middle East. The latter stalls are, of course, often burned when the Journal appears on its shelves, accompanied by shouts of "Where's Allah, Ali, or Mohammed?" regarding its masthead. Newsdealers are often seen toting fire extinguishers, lest zealots sniff around with exposed matches, Molotov cocktails, or burning American flags.
The research conducted by a world-class team of psychologists, sociologists, and literate porn stars has been in sporadic publication for eight years, the brainchild of sensational Globe magazine expert on love and relationships, the Reverend Dr. McQueath Ballistroop of the Infinity Hope All-Religion Church of Pocatello, Idaho. The research was headed by the most holy Dr. Flagwith Ponster, a favorite of President Obama.
The research involving a representative group of two thousand persons throughout the U.S. resulted in many startling conclusions to the surprise of the fifteen-member panel. The complete article is extremely revealing, but here we can only provide highlights for our readers. Note: if you are sensitive to certain words in the area of love, relationships, and sex, please do not read further. The brave and those with balls should proceed with the excitement of the first night of marriage.
Highlight comments from 'What Do You Think of love, hate, and relationships, threesomes, and higher-ordered relationships, including books, articles, and talk shows about those subjects, and anything else related to those issues?' are sampled here for your need for knowledge in such touchy areas.
A selection of responses from participants follows:
"Love comes from inside and it's mainly from down below...ya get it?"
(Sampson Creek, SC)
"I must reread this article. My first reaction is 'smut'." (Tallyberry, Arkansas)
"I just hate my husband. The knots are way too high when he ties me up and tickles me with a chicken liver." (Valley Stream, NY)
"Marriage is for marriagables with a high tolerance for abuse and rejection of my casseroles. Is that what you're looking for?" (Anchorage, Alaska)
"I read that last Dr. Phil piece of crap. I'd like a video of him and wife Robin doin' the deed. Maybe then, I'll buy his 'Love Comes in Fives, Sixes, and Sevens.' What the f--- is this all about bro?" (Follicle, New Jersey)
"Call hubby my greatest lover[even if you have no other!]. He will then suck up to you!" (Macon, GA)
"Your study means squat. How'd you perverts git my name, anyways"?
(Jimmy Sansoon, Nutley, NJ)
"I buy books and read them to Coco in bed...what a butt, huh!!!"
(Ice-T, Los Angeles, CA)
"Really! I once read a book, but this study is just trash!"
"These studies have no value. I have been given three published studies by friends after these sneaks found out I beat the missus. What shit! You call these worms real friends?!!! But Festus makes a dang good barbeque!" (Joplin, MO--- non-tornado zone)
"I thought you was going to ask me about "Sex and Lower Gas Prices" by Obama's wife. What happened man? Boy, I spent fifteen buck on a Dr. Ruth piece of crappola." (Johnny Hard, Bozeman, MT)
"Did you read 'Sniff Quaff and Love Forever' by Dr. Fug What? A great read while taking a crap!" (Lilly Snodgrass, Bend, OR)
"I've yet to see a book on fivesomes?"(Penny Dollar, Brooklyn, NY)
"My mother turned nympho after reading a Gingrich book. Now dad is on meds. I hate these books!" (Cherly Comatone, Newark, NJ)
"I want to be on Dr. Phil. How do I do it. Why is this Doc bald?" (Rob Toscano, Rome, Italy)
"All relationships are based on restaurants. Pick a goody and you're home free! I only spit up one time; it was a spoiled Reuben." (Sandy Jill, San Diego del Mar)
"You jerks should have paid me for my interview!" (Matt Lauer, NBC bigshot, New York, NY)
(The above article was written by Fleg and Susan Piles for the AP)