Written by Rob Barratt

Friday, 17 February 2012

image for Distressed Is this chest distressed?

My furniture is all distressed
It's unusually unstable
The oak bookcase is quite depressed
As is the coffee table

The worktop has a thin veneer
It seethes beneath the surface
The taps know how low they can sink
And think life has no purpose

The painted window frame's been stripped...
Of dignity. It's lacquered
The blue front door's morale has dipped
The cheese board is cream-crackered

The writing bureau doesn't give a jot
The cupboard suffers mockery
It hates the plates and has no mates
It misuses jugs...and crockery

The kitchen table's past is stained
The dishwasher has worries
Last week it broke down and explained
That it was missing Curry's

The settle never settles
The new desk is neurotic
The chaise longue is invariably wrong
The sofa is psychotic

The fey pouffé is apt to weep
It's covered in wet tissues
The rocking chair, it never sleeps
The magazine rack has Big Issues

The bed's always horizontal
The tallboy's a cross dresser
The umbrella stand id second hand
And feels its worth is lesser

The mirror, which reflects, neglects
The fie wine rack which whines
The shelves themselves lack shelf-respect
The dining table pines

The mantelpiece has no mental peace
It's fired up with wrath
The wood-burner has lost its spark
The wardrobe is a goth

The exposed beams aren't what they seem
The ceiling's always plastered
The landing has a manic stair
It's an evil little bastard

The piano's case isn't black and white
The floorboards feel downtrodden
The dressing table's dressed to kill
The mini-bar is sodden

The Ottoman is not a man
But it's not a couch potato
The teak footstool's a crazy fool
Who quotes in Greek from Plato

Yes, my furniture is all distressed
But they've reason for concern
Oh... I must get it off my chest
...Tomorrow they will burn!!

(sing to The Beatles "Norwegian Wood)
I once had the best
Furniture but
It got distressed
So I lit a fire isn't it good?
Norwegian Wood.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Poetry
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