Written by armfeetandtoe

Thursday, 2 February 2012

image for Alf Garnet: Austerity Alf Garnet visits the docks

"Look, Looook! Yu bludy Labour party, spent all our money on thier namby pamby bludy lesbian and gay community centres! Thats why, yu Tories, yu Tories mate, thats why yu Camerons are finding it ard to make ends meet! They cant sell the bludy fings! Stuck wiv em they are, poor bludy sods, who's goin to buy, a second hand, run darn bludy community centre? Go on! herherher, the Labour party! Thats who! Yu tories are selling them back to the commy poofs!

When I was young, you ad to put sumfing away fer a rainy day see, cos yu never knew what was rarnd the corner.
(At this point, Mrs Garnet interupts)

"You never put anything away."

"Shut up! Silly moo! Yes I did, I put a shilling away every friday night in that tin on the shelf".

"Then you spent it down the pub on saturday night".

"Shut up, Shut up! A man as to ave a little pleasure now an agin, after workin all bludy week, if those commy labourites get back in mate, your be workin day an night!"

"You never worked"

"May gawd forgive yu! I worked like a Trojan darn those docks, twelve hours a day, in all weathers".

"You didnt work in wet weather and you paid the Pakistani security guard to keep hooky why you slept through your shift, and then you came home and fell asleep in the chair"

"Lies! Lies! Yu great big puddin! OOH paid all the bills, ooh brought in the food, ooh paid for the kids?"

"Me an my mum with the money we earnt from our cleaning".

"Look! Loooook! I earnt my wages with blood an swet!"

"Yes, you fell off the pier head, drunk"

"I was not drunk! I ad a dizzy spell, an fell in. Ad to compensate me though didnt they! Herherherher! Two parnd five shillings and a tanner! Didnt suffer wiv austerity that bludy month did we!"

"No, you suffered liver failure"

"Stupid fat puddin, I ad palsy, it was the shock from the fall, me liver gave up cos of the strain".

"It gave up cos you drank the pub dry".

"I paid my way! I gave up my ard earned pleasures for you an the dustbin lids, it was that bludy Attlee that ruined it all, giving money to the Krauts to build a new country, after they flattened ours during the bludy war! We are starvin, I say, we are starvin, an the Nazis are eating a roast bludy dinner every day! Austerity, yer, for yu working classes mate, do yu see David Cameron wearing a Tesco budget suit? No, he gets yer Saville Row, wheres the austerity in that!? And, wot abart his misses, she dont shop in Iceland, no, Arrods ampers delivered to the door!

Austerity is okay fer yu gentry an yu nobs, it dont affect them like it does yu working classes, they dont ave to worry where the next loaf of bread is coming form, and it was them that spent our money in the first place! If I robbed public money, I would end up in court".

"You did, you diddled the christmas club money"

"Shut your pie hole! It was a calculation error"

"Yes, you forgot how much you had nicked"

"Go an make me dinner yu fat lazy lump, I was aquitted".

"With a five pound fine and you had to pay it all back"

"Look, looook! I was innocent, the judge ad to do that to let the peole know, cos he recognised me as a brother mason, he ad to show we are not exempt"

"More like he knew you were guilty".

"Go an boil yu head, an wheres me dinner? Wot I am tryin to say, is, when we, the tax payer, are robbed by yu politicians, no one is ever accountable are they? If it were me or you, they wud lock us up. An no one ever asks where all the money has gone, do they. So to cover thier tracks, an try an give us the hood wink, they invent the word, Austerity. Which reminds me, do you know whats running on the three thirty at Kempton?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Austerity
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