Given the assignment to write about the subject of Bad Romance, spoof reporter Gail Farrelly grabbed her trusty tape recorder and set out to collect the opinions of a number of experts in the field. A meticulous researcher, Farrelly went to the ends of the earth and beyond to get the whole scoop.
Here are her findings -- expressed in direct quotes from the interviewees, who were asked: What are your thoughts on the subject of Bad Romance?
Entertainer Lady Gaga: "Bad Romance? Hey, that's the name of one of my songs. What right does The Spoof have to steal MY title, tell people to write stories about it, and then -- worst of all -- make a stupid little tag with it? So demeaning. This is an outrage. A pox on the House of Spoof."
Annie Oakley, sharpshooter, nodding her head back and forth in disgust: "Listen up ladies, one more time. You can't get a man with a gun."
John Boehner, Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, whipping a handkerchief out of his pocket: "I can't tell you without crying."
TV personality and lifestyle expert Martha Stewart, pounding a huge cut of beef into submission: "Bad romance? It is NOT a good thing."
Entrepreneur Donald Trump: "Guys, when the relationship has run its course, just dump her by saying You're Fired. But don't forget to tell her to have a nice day."
Cupid, god of love: "No comment at this time. Check back after Valentine's Day."
Tim Gunn, mentor on TV show Project Runway: "Oh, for Pete's sake. What you think of as a bad romance may not be THAT bad. Make it work."
Newt Gingrich, thrice-married U.S. presidential candidate and former Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, sighing heavily: "Here we go again. Same old, same old."
The Pope: "I know nothing about romance, good OR bad. However, I DO know about sex, birth control, celibacy, marriage, mortal sin and damnation. Peace be with you. Arrivederci."
Venus, goddess of love: "Go away. Do you want me to lose my job?"
Dr. Ruth Westheimer, 83-year-old sex therapist, reporting with a wink and a smile: "My advice about a bad romance? As the late lyricist Dorothy Fields wrote in one of her songs, Pick yourself up; dust yourself off; start all over again."