Written by justme

Monday, 9 January 2012

image for The news doesn't have to be bad.

I stopped reading the news for quite some time because it was depressing. But then I didn't know any current events and my friends found me boring. And I found that depressing. So I decided to read the news again, with a few changes to make it more positive.

For example, every time I saw the words 'killed' or 'murdered', I would change them to 'masturbated'. As in, five people were masturbated outside a nightclub last week. And Edmonton is the masturbation capital of Canada. Also, hundreds of people are masturbated every year in car accidents - I think I saw a movie about that once. Anyway, this idea worked well until I learned that a man masturbated not only his wife, but his children as well, and innocent civilians were being brutally masturbated by the Syrian government. I stopped reading the news for a bit.

Then I changed the word 'fire' to 'party'. I learned that a three alarm party broke out in an apartment complex and party-fighters were not able to stop it before ten people were masturbated. And a massive party erupted at a meat packing plant. Two-hundred cows were masturbated, which is rather odd, but could be interesting material for a movie. There seem to be a lot of grass parties in the hot summer, some lasting for days, though hardly anyone gets masturbated during them.

The news doesn't have to be bad.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: News
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