WASHINGTON- With the New Year rapidly approaching, it's time to make those changes for yourself and society. Since citizens are having issues when it comes to making sense, the government will be stepping in. The following behaviors/ items will become illegal as of January 1st, 2012. Please look over the new laws thoroughly since ignorance is not a defense.
Diet Drinks and Not So Diet Meals
As a whole, there is a reason for diet drinks but lets be rational here. Does it really make sense to order a diet coke at McDonalds alongside a quarter pounder (with extra cheese)? If anything, that would be the most appropriate time to drink a full calorie beverage. That diet coke isn't fooling anyone.
Punishment- A full calorie 2 liter cola must be chugged in less than 20 minutes
Adding Height to Dating Profile
Being short is not a crime. Adding 6 inches onto that number for your online dating profile is. There is much mystery surrounding the belief this fun fact will be overlooked. Now, not only is the dater short, but they are a liar as well. Seriously, to get a second date, own your stunted growth.
Punishment- Heels must be worn on the next three dates so the gentleman will be the same height as advertised
Spandex Attire Worn in Plus Sizes
WHY? Isn't there enough suffering going on in the world without forcing people to see a 300 lb man hot orange bike shorts? This needs no further explanation.
Punishment- Death Penalty is the only suitable option
*If the culprit is wearing neon spandex, they will be shot right outside the courthouse.
Call 800-555-5555 with any questions. There are operators standing by.