Written by Jean Le Fete

Saturday, 14 January 2012

image for Born To Spoof: Chapter 99 The Return to Insanity

The snow fell through the black soot in the air of the mean streets of East London. It was Christmas Eve, yet the only thought on my mind was this: Is it possible to de-clone a clone? I was in my usual melancholy self as I shuffled through the slush towards The Spoof.

I stopped on a street corner and stared at its dingy neon flashing light "The Spoof Writer's Pub", then underneath, "Members Only". I remembered that fateful night that I'd first met #3 or Carina as she called herself. She lured me into the bar and into what became a surreal nightmare of love, alcohol,drugs,debauchery and trashy writing assignments.

Now here I stood, fully aware of what it had done to me, yet I could no more stay away than a bug could from a light. I crossed the street, like I had a hundred times before. The only difference this time was I wasn't going there to write, I was going for...revenge.

There were certain things I could accept about my life since becoming a Spoof writer, the low self-esteem, the banana cream pies, long hours, zero pay, sex, drugs.....sex and did I mention sex? But for me the final straw had been when the Editer reprogrammed #3 to despise me. The love of my life? It was hard to peel off the layers of what was real and what had been simply using me. In either case it was my fault, I had gone willingly.

The main entrance wouldn't do, I found a manhole cover that I knew lead to the underground entrance. The sewer had been diverted from here for sometime, but still stank of human waste. The entryway to the dungeon of The Spoof down here was guarded by the Guinea fowl, but I had a bag full of special feed under my trench coat that would keep them happy. These were GM Guinea Fowl (Genetically Moodified). Not only were they the size of Ostriches, but they could shred a pack of wolves like like they were sheep. Nasty tempers didn't begin to describe them.

I threw arsenic laced bird feed for these genetic mutations then stood way back to see if they'd go for it. The lead bird of the group skulked over and bobbed its head just above the seed. "Dammit" I thought,"The bastard's not going for it", but then he pecked one time and that's all it took for the entire flock to pounce on the food.

Moving carefully, but quickly I was able to sneak around them and in through the dungeon door. My goal was to reach Mark's main laboratory on the top floor. There I hoped to get access to the computer and find out what if anything could be done to save #3.

"Going somewhere chief?" asked a faint voice that sounded like it was on the floor. I turned to see Masterchev, he was shackled to the wall.

"MC, what the hell has happened to you?" I asked kneeling by him.

"Didn't you hear? Mark has gone and sacked us all. Only as you can see that weren't quite good enough for him on me, he had that wench #7 lock me up. Be a good chap and get the key off that sewer pipe above us."

I did as requested and as I unlocked him the Guineas started making an awful ruckus as they died from the arsenic.
"What bleed'n 'ell is that?" asked Masterchev as I pulled him to his feet.

"Afraid the Guineas are bit too dramatic as they die, damned things, we'd better move before someone comes to check on them." I said, but then paused, "Less of course you'd rather get out, just go out past the Guineas."

"Are you kidding?" he asked, "I've know idea what you're up to, but I've seen that look in yer eye before."

"In that case mate follow me if you wants to cause Mark a little mischief," I said wryly.

A little? I thought, I was about to turn his world upside down if I could. As we walked towards the stairs, we were clearly not alone. Moaning came from a cell and we stopped to see there were several more writers locked within. Charpa, Jaggedone, Skoob, the long missing Jalopenoman, someone claiming to be a fake lesbian, Col. Juan,Pinxit.

"Ah crap," said Jaggedone looking at me disgusted, "For a minute there I thought we might actually get rescued."

"Depends," I retorted, "If I can get the knife out of me back from the last time we met. Tell you what J.O. I'll unlock some of these other poor bastards and let them decide your fate."

"Hell I was just kidding mate, still ain't got a sense of humor 'ave yuh?"

"Nope can'ts afford it none," I replied unlocking the lesbian who was chewing on some kind of odd shaped root.

"What's that luv?" I asked curious.

"Its a root from the local herbalist, he found it growing in the Spoof terrarium upstairs, says it has special powers," she replied.

"Like what?" I stopped and sniffed the air, "Smelling like a skunk? How can you stand it?" I asked, trying not to vomit

"Well it actually tastes like the most wonderful chocolate and when you eat it you don'ts smell a thing," she replied.

"Fascinating, lord knows we can find a use for that where were going, come along then, unlock all you can, I'm going upstairs."

"Wouldn't do that if I was you mate," said Skoob, "Been a lot of changes since you left to join the Taliban."

"It wasn't the Taliban! I was writing an expose' on split crotch burkahs. Quit a difference you know. So what's changed?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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