Written by jessica w

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Someone needs to take on the burden of exposing the hard truth, which is, fairy tales chosen to entertain young girls glorify the creepiest situations. This is what lies a woman's foundation for an extremely disappointing life in the years to come, since the fictional ideals and virtues are not part of the reality in which we reside.

As I see no investigative journalists stepping up, I will swallow the sword and blast the flood light on the dark side of Snow White is going to rip off the lies that that Snow White was once covered by and detail the disturbing truths behind this story, which should only told inside prison walls. Be prepared, this is not the Snow White you thought you were telling your daughter last night.

It is a pure fact that the literature which is used to word this tale will never change. Snow White has a bunch of dwarfs following her around, doing things for her and then she is kissed back to life by a prince, after eating a poison apple.

Sure to the average person this may seem innocent. Clearly America needs to step up their literary interpretation skills Knowing what I know now, I am horrified when I am hit in the face with the realization of being the only person to uncover the hidden horror. Yes, I love my intellectual prowess, but not even I am bold enough to try to make the case that I am the smartest person to read this. What you will now see though, is supporting evidence that testifies to the fact that I am the first person to read between the lines and get to the heart of this matter. I felt that needed to be announced prior to this lovely expose.

The Dwarfs. Why the majority mentally challenged and the remainder is burdened with debilitating allergies or crippling laziness? Though I am no attorney, I am almost positive that if you give seven our of seven dwarfs additional health issues, yet non dwarf characters don't even get a headache, some massive injustice has been committed. Oh right, and they are stalkers as well. Even I am offended by this. I hope you are too now.

In modern times, we all have our "dwarfs". Although height, weight, and their particular "disorder "may vary, they are equally as creepy as those in the fairy tale, if not more so, since the real life version does not come in the form of a singing cartoon. I can see how the animation factor softens the blow.

Real life dwarfs are the potential suitors who desperately want to date us, but are not deemed worthy due to whatever qualification they are lacking (many in most cases). Rather than moving on, they further demonstrate why you would never entertain the possibility of a connection their specific brand of issues on display.

While the cartoons were laden with the task of shoe making (thanks Christian Louboutin for taking on that role), the human equivalent applies equally effervescent efforts into Facebook stalking and annoying us constantly. Just like their cartoon counterparts, also can skip behind us, thought never very far.

I can see the smile form on your lips as you now feel Snow White's pain brought to you by your own delusional version of the "dwarf". Let it be known that there was a time when one individual followed me home. Given my constant ability to always attract the creepy guy, I knew how to handle this.

Operator: 911 What us your emergency?

Victim (me) There is a guy on my stoop who followed me home.

The rest should not need clarification, if it does, you may need to wonder if you are the female dwarf. How twisted does an author need to be to trap one woman with seven stalkers who have the nerve to sing? Poor girl.

Next, getting kissed while you are asleep and thus rendered unable to legally consent sounds familiar. The proper term for this is not magic. Sexual assault is how this is defined in 2011. Waking up a princess, in a castle, with a gorgeous millionaire, is not what really happens after one is assaulted.

I have seen several movies and am a big fan of Law and Order SVU. Therefore, I know how this goes down. You slowly open your eyes only to see in a dark room, which makes desperately looking for your clothes turn into a navigational challenge that bears no resemblance to the images of opening the French doors to the massive closet, brought to you by an prince.

Given that there is a black hole in your mind surrounding the mystery of the events that actually took place; this is classified as a nightmare, not a dream Wilhem and Jacob Grimm. Clearly, someone needed to hire a better fact checker.

Thinking about it this way, are you still planning on getting little Katie the Disney princess Halloween costume? If so, you may want to consider drawing a target on her forehead, as the results are similar, yet the costume is overpriced.

Snow White should be told as a cautionary tale letting girls know to keep their distance from mental hospitals and jails, and to never leave their drinks unattended (yes soda can also be spiked). If you have yet to shed a tear for this tragic victim, think of the whistling now.

No one should ever be held captive and forced to listen to whistling mental patients while working. Not only is it distracting, but I can only imagine it would drive anyone to insanity.

I had a Mariachi band outside of my office window last year on Cinco De Mayo, and after 20 minutes I was ready to be picked up by the men in the white jackets. Guys, give it a rest and let your poor prisoner have a tiny bit of peace.

Oh right, the witch. Though I am sure some of you instantly saw your mother-in- law flash into the forefront of your mind, do not forget this is told using the law of opposites. Maybe the apple was her way of saving the innocent victim from having to hear more whistling and hammering. If I were Snow White, it would have been an option worth serious consideration.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Topics: Snow White
More by this writer
Read full story
Read full story
Read full story
Read full story
Read full story
Read full story

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more