Written by Knackle

Saturday, 29 October 2011

SOUTH AFRICA - The Honey Badger (HB) is the prime suspect in the murder of aspiring journalist Paul Sweetwater (PS). Investigations after Paul's mysterious disappearance lead authorities to an audio file in his iCloud. The file contained an interview between Paul and the Honey Badger.

A friend of Paul, Hans Swackheimer said, "...he (PS) refused to say where he was going or who he was interviewing, but thought this could be his big break." Below are excerpts from the recovered interview.


PS: "I head you have a couple of new songs out."

HB: "Yes Paul. A couple tracks like 'You down with HBB' ( HB Badassness ) and 'H to the ONEY Biii - ahhhh - ger' should stimulate mayhem and chaos in major cities. I am looking forward to it."


PS: "How old are you?"

HB: With a chuckle, "That's kinda forward for a first date, don't you think?" Switch to a solemn voice, "Rather than time, my age is measured in units of badassness. You do the math."

PS: "G.I. Joe was another badass. I understand you guys are buddies?"

HB: "First off I taught Joe everything he knows, but he just couldn't get the cobra killing thing down. I mean he was really good at foiling plans and aggregating the crap out of cobra, but never able to close the deal. So I had to defriend him on Facebook. He will never work in this town again."


PS: "Why don't you grant interviews?"

HB: "I always grant interviews."

PS: "Funny. I have never seen one."

There was a faint chirping of birds in the background followed by a long Honey Badger sigh and a soft rumbling in his tummy.

HB: "Oh dear, this is where it's get weird for you. It's not personal, but to be true to the HBB code I have no choice but to devour you just like I did all the prior journalists."

PS: Laughing. "Funny".

HB: "Seriously, I would prefer if you ran. Make a sport of it."

Sound of recording device hitting the ground.

PS: Not laughing. Running steps into the distance with progressively louder screams.

HB: With a gentle voice, "ten, nine..." down to one "game time. And that's how the Honey Badger rolls."


It would seem that Paul was no match for the HB even with a 10 second running head start; but Paul was able to do what his journalistic predecessors could not...auto sync the recorded interview to his iCloud for authorities to find after his death.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Animals, Murder
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