The Meddlesome Mensch: A Tech Tale

Funny story: The Meddlesome Mensch: A Tech Tale

My name is Marty, and I have a small family. That’s the way I like it. There’s just me and my twenty-something owner. Yep, I DID say owner. You see, I’m an electronic reader, purchased by my owner (her name is Noreen) and brought home two years ago last week. If you’re one of those folks who think that electronic readers are just dumb machines, think again. Well, maybe some of them are du...

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How to Properly Comfort Someone Who is Emotionally Devastated

Life can be extremely cruel and unfair. Tragedy, loss, and disaster can strike at any given moment, and difficult circumstances usually come along without warning. Unfortunately, horrible things often happen to good people who are simply trying to make it from one day to the next. People who face these situations often feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and unable to cope with life as they struggle...

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How to Survive a Corporate Visit

It always happens when you least expect it. You've gone through most of your life thinking that nothing really bad will ever happen to you, and you've never bothered to ask yourself the question, “What if?” Every time you saw a disaster or some type of horrible tragedy on television, you simply thought, “Hey, that will never happen to me.” Like everybody else, you assume that most problem...

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How to Write the Perfect Resume

STEP #1) COMPOSE A COVER LETTER THAT DISPLAYS YOUR INTEREST IN THE POSITION AS WELL AS YOUR PROFESSIONALISM. (Also, do not forget to show all due respect to the Management Office that does the hiring.) Dear Fuckers, I was wiping my ass with a piece of newspaper last night, and I saw that your company currently has a position available for a “Certified Technical Programming Assistant Engine...

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Men Died After Eating Cabbage

Funny story: Men Died After Eating Cabbage

In two separate incidents, thousands of miles apart, two men died in extraordinarily-similar circumstances yesterday - after consuming cabbage. The men - Thomas Jeffers, 45, of New Jersey, and Nickovitch Kuryakin, 48, from Nizhny Novgorod in Russia - were both healthy, middle-aged men, happily-married with two and seven children respectively, both worked for their respective governments, drank...

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7 Things Your Academic Advisor Will Probably Never Tell You

Do you ever take some time to notice that all of the people who treated you poorly and screwed you over in the past have ended up happy? Do you ever ask yourself how it’s possible that they now have fulfilling careers and lives that are characterized by warmth, affection, purpose, meaning, and unconditional love while you’re still miserable, lonely, and struggling to get through life? Have y...

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The Red Hen: I Was A Better (Expletive) Than Donald Duck

Funny story: The Red Hen: I Was A Better (Expletive) Than Donald Duck

BILLINGSGATE POST: Foghorn Leghorn finally had something to crow about. The Red Hen controversy brought back memories of his one night stand with a Rhode Island Red that drove him cockeyed. Foghorn: “I loved her walk. I loved her cluck. She said I was a better (expletive) than Donald Duck.” The Red Hen: “I ain’t gonna take it sitting down. While I’m here hatching white and brown, you’re out...

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Tour de France 2018: The 'All You Need To Know' Survival Guide

Funny story: Tour de France 2018: The 'All You Need To Know' Survival Guide

The Tour de France, that supreme test of human endurance, determination, strength and skill, is almost upon us once again, and, for the keen cycling fans amongst our readers, here is a carefully-compiled Survival Guide for this year's event. The 2018 Tour will once again be raced over 22 stages, for a total of 2,069 km (3,329 m). The race will start with a total of 188 riders spread amongst 11...

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Breaking news…

Trump to Continue Dictator Tour

There are still a few dictators in the world that Trump hasn't groveled to.
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Paxton Quigley
Paxton Quigley
Joined: 02 June 2012
Stories Written: 88

Seven day catch up

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NATO Is Shocked And Dismayed By Trump

Funny story: NATO Is Shocked And Dismayed By Trump

NATO members are shocked by Trump’s unfounded criticisms, numbers, and railing. "He is telling falsehoods!" "Making total distortions of nations and history!" "This is outlandish!" Psst, don’t tell anyone: Putin hates NATO, and Trump’s Putin’s boy and Trump is reciting the Putin script. Really? Yeah, well, he’s doing exactly what he did during the presidential election: lies, distortions...

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Colin's Bad Luck With The Ladies

Funny story: Colin's Bad Luck With The Ladies

An Englishman's wedding day was laid to waste when his bride-to-be told him she needed to "pop outside for a cigarette", and was never seen again. Colin 'D' was due to tie the knot at a Registry Office in Bournemouth with his intended, whose name does not matter, so don't ask. The woman got as far as arriving at the office and taking a seat inside, before starting to show signs of extreme an...

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A #MeToo Story by a Mermaid

Funny story: A #MeToo Story by a Mermaid

Being the chair of the local Mermaid Public Relations Committee isn't all it's cracked up to be. Like today, for example, I'd like to be out swimming around in the ocean with the other mermaids. Instead I'm tasked with reading the entries of my fellow mermaids to a short story contest by a local magazine and choosing the ones that will proceed to the next round of the competition. The magazine edi...

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10 Extremely Brutal and Horrifying Things That You Should Never Say on a First Date

WARNING: This article was written by a severely angry, lonely, aging, balding, alcoholic who knows absolutely nothing about dating and who is currently suffering a severe mid-life crisis. It also contains needless and vile descriptions of anal explosions, butt-sex, pre-ejaculatory fluid, and jerking-off. If you consider yourself to be a decent and moral person, you will probably turn your compu...

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Top Ten Reasons Why Kim Jong Un Desperately Wants to Make a Deal with the U. S.

Funny story: Top Ten Reasons Why Kim Jong Un Desperately Wants to Make a Deal with the U. S.

He needs a decent shampoo, rinse, and cut from Vidal Sassoon. He wants Stormy Daniels’ phone number. He wants to be let loose carte blanche in the M&M anchor store in New York City, ending in a candy bath of M&M Reds. He wants his scientists to examine Nancy Pelosi –it’s an ancient Korean cultural practice dealing with living mummification. He’s out of nuclear warheads anyway, cuz Godz...

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President Trump visits the Kremlin

'Mr Trump? President Putin will see you now.' 'Great, great! This is gonna be beautiful, so beautiful! But hey, guys - you checked this place for those little tiny cameras, hidden mikes, Polonium 210, crazy stuff like that?' 'Yessir, Mr President!' 'Fabulous, just fabulous. Told you we could trust Putin didn't I? Didn't I?' 'Yessir, you did, just before TapeGate.' 'Hey, hey Pompeo -...

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Children's Storytime: Sergei And The Drone

Funny story: Children's Storytime: Sergei And The Drone

Hello, children! It's time for a story! Are you ready? If you are, let's start! Once upon a time, there was a man whose name was Sergei Skripal. He lived in a country far away, called Russia. He was a spy. Spies like to find out things. They like to find out about other people's secrets. They like to find out about secrets like what other people are doing, or what the other people are trying...

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It's My Party

Funny story: It's My Party

With apologies to Leslie Gore It's my party and I'll lie if I want to Lie if I want to Lie if I want to You would lie too if it happened to you! Nobody knows where my lawyers have gone But Rudy came just in time. Why won’t he shut the fuck up When he's supposed to be mine? It's my party and I'll lie if I want to Lie if I want to Lie if I want to You would lie too if your wife had...

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