God Bless this Year’s Mating Season

Funny story written by Thelonius

Monday, 19 April 2021

image for God Bless this Year’s Mating Season
I don’t know if I can if they watch.

What has there been to do? What have you been doing? If you have been doing something, please suggest it for the rest of us.

With the advancing spring, however, wild creatures have begun mating. You may ask; why observe wildlife when you can indulge in these activities yourself? Well, the missus and myself have never indulged unless we’re sober at the same time and since the pandemic began last March, that hasn’t happened. If this thing goes away, maybe this summer? Hopefully before Christmas.

It’s rabbits out the front window and pigeons on the neighbour's roof in the back. In the front yard my wife describes a young male rabbit making a fool of himself, rolling around in the dirt and running in circles around a young doe who smacks him across the face every time he gets close enough. From what I have read about rabbits, she is uncharacteristically contrary. Is she not aware of the phrase “fucks like a rabbit “? Why put that phrase at risk?

In the back, each year a raven comes to the same pigeon nest at egg laying time. He mostly swallows the eggs whole but he put one down on the roof this year and it rolled off. He looked over the edge like his iPhone had just gone over Niagara Falls. No hope of retrieval. You’d think a bird would better understand gravity.

We suspect the prospective father of the embryonic pigeons gave the raven the address years ago. Yes, he expresses dismay and shakes his wings threateningly for the sake of the mother and all else who may be watching, “Hey! Enough of this!” but he’s winking at the raven at the same time. There’s nothing to be done but for he and his lady to start all over again which seems to have been the plan from the beginning. Is he a bad pigeon, or is he the one smart pigeon? Wish I had the time to think about it.

So, if you’re looking for something to do this spring, why not try to figure out what’s fucking what in your neighbourhood. If I’m not mistaken, that was a theme of a Mr. Rogers episode years ago.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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