Worst Football Player In The World At It Again...

Funny story written by Scooter Nairns

Tuesday, 8 December 2020

image for Worst Football Player In The World At It Again...
Hey! I can see Rojer from 'ere!

Rojer Walters, the Argentinian wonderkid, who was once described as the next Claudio Cannigia, turned up at Tannadice Park in the 1990s, and chapped the door to get a trial. After being laughed back out the door, the young Cannigia lookalike had nothing more than a passing resemblence and a similar hairstyle. He hopped back on the plane to Buenos Aires and was never seen again.

His life then descended into a world of despair which included drugs and crime, a common problem with Argentinian
football players. The problem was, Rojer was or never had been a football player - just a pawn in a clever scam involving
a poor quality video and a dodgy agent trying to make a quick buck.

Just by chance, a local football team took pity on the young man and trained him up to a decent amateur level, cut his hair, and gave him a chance. They cleaned him up a bit, and let him sit on their subs bench, because he was that useless at playing The Beautiful Game.

Amazingly, with the drug problem being so bad in Argentina, somebody must've been so stoned out of their box, that he was signed for Boca Juniors! Then, even more amazingly than that, after his three-game spell on the Boca subs bench, he was signed to sit on the subs bench at Celtic Park in Glasgow. His talents were plain to see, and the now not-so-young Rojer triggered a release clause and then agreed to sit on the subs bench at Old Trafford! The ink wasn't even dry when the phone call came in from Barcelona to sit on the famous bench at the Camp Nou.

In his illustrious 30-year career, he has signed for 115 senior clubs, sat in all the top subs benches around the world, and managed to bag 50 caps for his country, all the while never once kicking a football! He's now a millionaire twenty times over! All because Dundee United failed to spot his potential.

His swansong came last year. When sitting on the Milan bench, he was invited to sit on the Pope's bench at The Vatican. After a quick ten-minute pose for a photoshoot, the Pope and Rojer walked out onto the balcony and were met by a screaming crowd of 95,000!

One man on a pilgrimage was baffled by all the attention. "We should kick a football up onto the balcony and see what happens."

Another man on another pilgrimage said, "That guy standing next to Rojer might be able to cross it..."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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