The Tory Party Soccer Select Squad...

Funny story written by Scooter Nairns

Saturday, 24 October 2020

image for The Tory Party Soccer Select Squad...
Just pray that your knees hold out!

TheSpoof.com looks at the big hitters in the all-conquering Tory soccer team, that always seems to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. How long can the Tory juggernaut continue? How long can Magic Johnson keep it on the road? Let's take a look...

BORIS JOHNSON - Wanted to play up front, but the fat kid always has to go in goal. 4/10

DOMINIC CUMMINGS - Captain, has been ordered to play left back, because he has a tendency to wander. 3/10

RISHI SUNAK - Big things were expected from the big-money signing, but, as yet, he has failed to deliver. 1/10

GRANT SHAPPS - Like a steam train when he gets going, it's just unfortunate he's never on time, and has never got going. 1/10

DOMINIC RAAB - A product of the youth team, his early promise seeing the squad heading into Europe, but his form dipped when the pressure was on. 2/10

MICHAEL GOVE - Signed as a nippy wee winger, but actually turned out to be a nippy wee c*nt. 3/10

MATT HANCOCK - Always injured with his trick knee, but makes a remarkable recovery when going to the bar. 2/10

ALOK SHARMA - Has been described as a 'workhorse' in the past, but more like a donkey these days. (Panto season is approaching) 4/10

GAVIN WILLIAMSON - Always talks a good game, which has seen him in the book every time he's played. Liability! 5/10

GEORGE EUSTICE - Fastest player on the pitch. If the action is kicking-off, he'll be running in the other direction. 0/10

JACOB REES-MOGG - The experience in the team. Been there, seen it, done it, so swans about the penalty box combing his hair. -5/10

BEN BRADLEY - Hard tackling hardman. Wants to get into Europe, but everybody just wants him to get to f*ck. 10/10

ROBERT BUCKLAND - A surprise package, and is a bit of a wizard with a football. He can make it disappear into ROW Z. 2/10

GREG HANDS - Subby Keeper. Not a natural baller, because he always ends up in someone's back pocket. 3/10

SIMON HEART - An attacker. Puts everything into the team. Signed from Plentyplidd Rugby Club, so very much a trier. 9/10

LORD JOHNSON OF MARYLEBONE - A ringer and the joker in the pack. Forever stumbling into the Kebab-House-Of-Commoners and asking for a Primadonna! The thing is, he thinks he's funny!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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