These Frogs got no Soul

Funny story written by Thelonius

Wednesday, 16 September 2020

image for These Frogs got no Soul
Here, Trigger!

Scientists at Harvard, or maybe it’s Yale, are on a quest to excise the soul.

Souls are associated with living beings and are thought to carry on, either in a very heavenly manner, or in an unspeakably horrific one, after their life form dies. Some people live their lives directed by the “nice” option, and most others don’t.

During laboratory work in cryogenics, frogs have been frozen solid, then warmed back to life. When frozen, frogs are not alive, and naturally lose their souls. As if a soul could exist in a block of ice!

Tests have shown that frozen frogs when brought back to life, are quite different from non-frozen frogs. It seems that they, like many of us, have “lost their religion”.

Frog subjects of cryogenics tend to drink (primarily cocktails, mostly Bee’s Knees) and smoke recklessly (no, they don’t explode) and engage in sex indiscriminately (frequently with other species, mostly horses).

They do poorly on multiple-choice exams, particularly on religious topics. Many, for example, believe the eight Beatitudes from the Book of Matthew were to be found in “Horse and Hound” magazine. For some of them, Hosannah has become “Oh, Susanna”, and others misidentified the site of the crucifixion as Calgary rather than Calvary, which would be laughable if this was not about religion, where nothing is ever funny, ever.

It may not even be that they don’t know. Importantly, it may be that they have the freedom to not give a shit.

Studies show that cryogenic frogs have longer life expectations than their non-cryogenic kin. Apparently, the horses don’t mind. These frogs experience less guilt, and the resulting stress in their lives despite the hundreds of innocent insects (some very young) they consume each day. Stress in frogs is measured scientifically. Something about loose stools or eyes bulging out or something.

It appears the lack of a soul in cryogenic frogs is reducing their daily pressures. In light of the study, many people are showing an interest in a cryogenics treatment or two; particularly Catholics and the sons of Jewish mothers.

Cryopreservation packages cost between $28000 and $35000 (transportation not included). At the upper end, your treatment is frost-free and your unit makes craft ice.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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