A Pandemic Christmas Letter

Funny story written by Thelonius

Sunday, 5 July 2020

image for A Pandemic Christmas Letter
One of our cats contemplating suicide.

Dear _________________.

Happy Quarantine, Everyone!

Harriet and I trust that you loved reading the McSweeney Christmas Letter-2019 as much as we loved writing it, and we hope you got every single page. Some of the 137 people we sent it to only received the first 10 or 15 pages so we had to resend the rest!

But so much has happened since Christmas, that we felt we needed to compose an update to cheer everyone up!

First of all, don’t you love the picture of all of us with our masks on? We were surprised the cats, the budgie and the hamster kept theirs on long enough for us to take it! (Actually, after the photo we found that the hamster was dead. Mask was a little too tight maybe? Oops! Hope PETA’s not reading this!)

Of course, we’ve had to stay home through this, but you can bet Harriet isn’t letting the grass grow under her feet. She has taken up the tuba of all things! It took her two months to learn “The Wheels on the Bus” (go round and round), but as you can imagine, it was well worth the wait. I asked her to try “Turkey in the Straw” next, but she says she’s worried about her hernia (and her incontinence I’m guessing).

What with the daily exercises we took up on day one, we have both been losing weight like you wouldn’t believe! We both now weigh what we did on our wedding day 15 years ago, and consequently we can’t seem to keep our hands off each other. Unfortunately, we don’t see the cats much anymore.

At the beginning of the quarantine we decided to study a language and we are now speaking to each other in fluent Español. Es una bendicion! (Such a blessing!) Shows what you can do when you don’t waste the gift of time.

Well, that’s all our news for now, but not to worry as Halloween comes very soon.

Adios, amiga.

The McSweeneys.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more