Harry Returns His Hearing Aids

Funny story written by Thelonius

Wednesday, 12 February 2020

image for Harry Returns His Hearing Aids
Shout at me.

No. Not that Harry. This Harry lives in Canada too, but he’s a Canadian retiree approaching 70 years old.

There had been pressure on Harry for some time from his wife and grown children for him to get hearing aids. He was reluctant, but there was much proof that he needed some assistance. He had been guessing incorrectly for years as to what was being said, and responding senselessly to laughter and derision.

He would sometimes not react to things he knew he didn’t hear, but his wife would say “You didn’t hear me, did you?” He would admit he hadn’t. “I didn’t think so!” Harry would wonder how people could be impatient with him over the loss of one of his senses, when it wasn’t anything he was doing on purpose. He wondered whether there were those who became frustrated with people who were going blind.

Finally, Harry would sometimes nod and smile rather than responding, but realized that nodding and smiling could be the wrong response when an acquaintance told him that his house had burned down.

So, Harry went to the hearing aid place which his wife had told him was on Shinbone, but he eventually found it on Sandborne. He had meant to have a word with her about that when he got home.

The audiologists did some tests, and told Harry that he had acute hearing loss a number of times. Harry went ahead to have a fitting done and arranged for a 30-day free trial.

After having the hearing aids for a few days, Harry had learned some things. For example, the names of their cats were not Muffi and Twinkie, but Tuffi and Dinky. Harry had never spent a lot of time with them. He did know that Dinky, the cat who threw up hair balls every day, was a Siamese, but he didn’t know Tuffi, the cat who didn’t throw up hair balls every day, was a ferret.

It was a nasty surprise for Harry to find that silent but deadly at his house was sometimes deadly, but never silent. He was embarrassed for a time, until he found his children to be much more prolific than he could ever be.

Harry had gotten used to the idea that his wife would occasionally shout out a non-Harry name during intercourse. He had thought it was Rob, the name of the guy next door, but now he knew it was Ron, the name of the guy who lived across the street. This bothered Harry, as Rob would lend him his socket set, but Ron was an asshole.

Now that he had hearing aids, Harry didn’t miss a word of his family’s discussions. Before, he had only been able to create a vague outline of the stories being told. Now that he understood completely what was being said, he realized that the conversations had been more interesting to him before. With his newly-stellar hearing, Harry despaired of the hours his family wasted in front of the flatscreen TV. An irritating whine in his wife’s voice that he had been spared from for 10 to 12 years had reintroduced itself.

Harry returned his hearing aids well before the 30-day trial was over.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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