Seven Great Things To Do If You Live in London

Written by Johnny Shlep

Wednesday, 17 July 2019

image for Seven Great Things To Do If You Live in London

1: Have vigorous, prolonged sex with somebody you find attractive

2: Masturbate furiously if nobody you find attractive will come within a country mile of you

3: Go to the pub and drink until you can just about manage to remember where you parked the car

4: Kick a Brexiteer up the arse

5: Repeat Number 4 ad nauseum

6: Pretend to be a wax dummy of a serial killer in Madame Tussauds and then punch people in the face as they stop to read the inscription on your plaque

7: Order and consume a sumptuous 5-course meal at The Ivy and then ask the head waiter to send the bill to Boris Johnson

NEXT WEEK: 1001 Great Ways to Get The Hell Out If You Live in Milton Keynes

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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