The Ugly Truth About Right Wingers

Wednesday, 5 September 2018


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Enoch Powell lying in state in 1983, in a river of his own blood

Steve Bannon. Nigel Farage. Geert Wilders. Jacob Rees Mogg. Every one of them is as ugly on the outside as their dead black souls are on the inside.

Why should that be? Does a lack of attractiveness lead to bitterness, hate, and the dark side of politics? Or does a desire for racial purity ironically lead to a hideous appearance? Geoff Article of TheSpoof investigates.

There have been a number of studies on the links between right-wing tendencies and attractiveness in rats, including those by Professor Jerf Toothy of the University of Ballarat. He conducted two research projects on the subject in 2016.

First, he raised a group of rats where a number of them were given unsightly defects such as spots, big ears or a mullet. Those "ugly" rats had a measurably higher level of irritability on reaching adulthood, and were often shunned by their fellow rats. However, none of them showed signs of right-wing beliefs and they were unable to distinguish between political ideologies - possibly because they were rats.

In the second study, another group of rats who all looked identical were raised together, but some of them were indoctrinated into fascism at an early age. They were taught to march in file and to hate rats who looked different. The results of that test were inconclusive as two of the fascist rats eventually ate all of the others, and it was not possible to measure how ugly they had become in comparison.

In conclusion, Professor Toothy decided that ugliness probably led to antisocial behaviour, at least in rats, and fascism could lead to cannibalism. He believed that the results could be extrapolated to humans as well.

I presented these findings to the inexplicably popular rat-faced right-wing Christian bullshit-merchant Jordan Patterson. He responded that if the fascist rats had arranged marriages with lady rats then their violent tendencies would have been calmed, and they might have begun reading the Bible and discovering their own truth. After rambling for a few more minutes, this interviewer realised he had nothing meaningful to say.

Steve Bannon was more interested in the experiment. He was fascinated in learning whether the angry rats could be turned into an army of fascist rodents, and began drooling as he imagined himself as a ratty Rommel overthrowing the liberal elite in a sawdust-filled tank.

Curiously, many right-wing ideologues are very anti-sex in their attitudes, possibly as a result of the lack of sex in their own lives. Ugly people who are involuntarily celibrate, or "Incels", are often right-wing out of frustration, although interestingly most eunuchs are communists.

I asked editor Geoffina Woman of Woman magazine what she thought, and whether it could be driven by testosterone. She replied that she had seen one in an episode of Top Gear but that Ferraris were out of her price range.

However, she told me that many politicians who are considered handsome by women who read Woman are often left-wing. She gave Emmanual Macron, Justin Trudeau and Barack Obama as examples, then began describing a fantasy of hers involving all three of them and Boutros-Boutros Ghali. I decided to leave.

Geoff Jefferson of Woman's sister magazine, Uncle, had another view. He said that although it was undoubtedly true that right wing men were hideous, when it came to women it was the other way round. He pointed out Marion Le Pen and a number of female Fox News presenters as being more attractive than their left-wing counterparts. However, he suggested that the reason for this was because most right-wing men only saw women as fit for breeding or looking nice, it was hardly surprising that they pushed the most attractive women they could find into the spotlight. On the left, he said, things were a bit more liberated.

No other political figures would agree to speak to me to continue this interesting discussion. In conclusion, whether a political figure is attractive, ugly, left-leaning or right-leaning, most of them are still arseholes.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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