Zika killed me

Written by Will Offit

Friday, 6 May 2016

image for Zika killed me
"Do you want me to change my name back to the symbol? Cause that's what's gonna happen if you keep asking."

By Prince

So ya'll wanna know how I died? You want the truth?

It was Zika.

You know the mosquito virus from Brazil? Yep, that's the one that did me in. Weird, right? You could have sworn it was AIDS, with all the sleeping around I did in the 80's. Or maybe a painkiller overdose like MJ and Elvis. Or perhaps heart disease, for which I refused medicine due to my Jehova's Witness beliefs. Nope. None of those. It was Zika. Mosquito bit me and now I'm dead. Are you happy? Can I go back to resting in peace now?

Zika can only kill babies you say? Look, I don't know how it killed me. If I did, I probably wouldn't be dead, numbnuts. It happened and now I'm dead. I don't know what else you want me to say.

I just told you it was Zika! What more do you want?

Really? Zika isn't a good enough answer? The mosquito probably banged another mosquito that had Zika and then bit me. There. Now you have it. So long, folks.

That's not enough? I was a 57 year old man. Those mild fevers can do you in real quick if you aren't careful. Okay, bye now.

Jesus! I bet you don't know anything besides Purple Rain and the Chapelle's Show sketch. You probably forgot I existed. And now you want to know how I died? It's a new disease, alright! There's a reason why scientists are asking for billions of dollars from the government to research it. No one knows how it works! Zika was in Africa for the last half century, so no one cared. And now that it's a continent away, we care. That's how these things happen. That's why we don't know about it and that's why my death is shrouded in mystery.

You still ain't believing, huh? Do you want me to change my name back to the symbol? Cause that's what's gonna happen if you keep asking. Zika killed me! Now you know. Mystery solved. Woo! We did it! We cracked the case!

Seriously? I just told you how I died. You know every single detail you could possibly want to know about my life. Please go back to talking about Donald Trump or whatever you do to pass the time and leave me be.


Oh c'mon!

I DON'T KNOW, okay? That's right, I don't know how I died. I just wanted you to stop asking.

There, I said it. This was all a rouse. That's your answer, Sherlock.

Anyway, how am I supposed to know how I died? I'm the one who's dead!

Look, I just don't want to be remembered as the face of the magazine your baby accidentally stole in the checkout line at ACME. Is that fair enough?

If you miss me and love me so much, PLEASE stop sending federal investigators to determine how I died. This is how we're spending our tax money? Really?

Alright, hopefully this is the last time that I have to say it: Bye.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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