Help, please for the love of god, somebody help me

Written by Will Offit

Thursday, 6 August 2015


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By Donald Trump

Let me be frank. I don't want to be President. I never did. Someone very powerful offered me 20 million dollars to run a campaign and I couldn't refuse that offer. Now they're not letting me back out and I am regretting it immensely.

I'm trying to sabotage my campaign and you keep voting for me in the polls. Stop it! Just stop it already! I've had enough! What more do I need to do? How many more races of people do I need to condemn? How many other candidates do I need to belittle?

This has gone too far. It was funny at first. But now it's not. I shouldn't be the lead Republican candidate this deep into the race. Remember when I said all Mexican immigrants were rapists and criminals? I said that because I thought it would end this. I didn't think that would actually boost my popularity. Remember when I said John McCain wasn't a true hero because he was captured? Do you honestly think anyone who wanted to be president of the United States would call out a war veteran? And yet, I still gained in the polls.

I don't intend this to end with me sitting in the Oval Office making decisions that impact people across the globe. That's not fair to me and that's not fair to anyone else. A man who was roasted on Comedy Central by Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino shouldn't be the same person who decides whether or not Iran should be invaded. A man who almost had his head shaved at the WWE shouldn't decide whether millions of Americans receive healthcare.

Look, okay, I learned my lesson. I shouldn't have accepted money to run for the most important job in the United States. I get that this whole process isn't a joke and isn't supposed to be entertainment. But now I can't escape! I'm stuck and I don't know how I can get out! Someone out there needs to believe me, someone needs to help me!

I am begging you. Please just let me escape. Give me a chance to go back to my old life, just tell me what to say and I'll say it. Should I write a book detailing all of my infidelities? Do I need to post nude pictures of myself to the internet? Do I need to take a poop onstage during the debates?

I am on the verge of tears as I write this and am near hopeless. I don't know if there is an escape. It doesn't matter what I do, I'll still see "Donald Trump 2016" signs across American lawns, I'll still see the bumper stickers, and I'll still see my face smeared across billboards. This confession won't change anything. It'll probably increase my lead in the polls.

Help me, save me, release me from this hell.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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