Written by Matt Morchower

Monday, 20 August 2012

Therapist clicks on Dictaphone following session.

No new people. Joan Rivers kept bringing her daughter and dog, and we had to kick her out. The daughter has mommy issues: not my field. Arsenio Hall got another show, and was so eager to book Bell Biv Devoe that he skipped out the door. "I'm so glad he has to suffer no more," said Ann Curry. "The world was unfair to him."

We've got a core group now of a guy whose nametag has said "P_t S_jak" for 22 years; Curry; Chevy Chase; Magic Johnson; Dennis Miller; and Conan O'Brien with his friend (some fat guy) and a cigar-smoking dog. They all had high-profile flameouts. I'm sure Arsenio will be back, and we're always expecting Pat O'Brien to crawl out of a cave after a texting scandal, drug rehab, or trouble with his nose falling off.

It'd be funny if Katie Couric joined the group. Hold on: don't be judgmental. Finally, Keenan Ivory Wayans recently left. When people kept saying "Loved you in 'My Wife and Kids' and 'You rocked in 'White Girls,' and 'You look so young in 'Happy Endings,'" he thundered. "How come nobody confuses Letterman, Fallon, O'Brien, Leno, Ferguson, Lauer, Kimmel, Carson Daly and Regis?"

"I appreciate Wayans going off on a good rant there," said Dennis. "But Regis is dead. And since you're black, people thought they were watching SportsCenter or Travis Smiley. Oh, and there's latent racism in America."

"You could be constructing a theory," said Earvin, "that the viewers, who are watching TV on their TV sets, think we all be looking alike. And by we, I mean black people."

Keenan Ivory Wayans finally stormed out, to star in "The Wayans Brothers" on the CW.

Wait, that was Marlon and Shawn.

That left Earvin as our sole representative of black people. He's a billionaire, so I'm not sure why he's here, but getting buried when Fox gave him and then killed his late-night show scarred him more than the 1984 finals loss to Boston. Or, more than when he was diagnosed with HIV. Note to self: clarify which bothered him more.

P_t S_jak did his usual thing, walking and standing behind the person he was addressing. He walked over to Earvin and said, "To make you feel better that you're the only African-American here, do you remember when Chevy was 'Fletch' and wore your jersey? That should make you feel good."

"He weared Kareem's jersey," said Earvin.

"Oh," said S_jak. "K_r_ _m. Fu_k it. My bad."

"I don't want to go off on a rant here," said Dennis, "but how did Chase even get a late night show? He's a former druggie who made it by saying, Hey kids, Big Ben, Parliament. I bust my ass on the comedy circuit, and he drives in a circle in London and calls that acting?"

"'Listen," said Chevy, "Big Ben, Parliament got me a waterfront house in Malibu, a place in the Hamptons, and a Bentley. What do you get, an occasional role on 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'?"

"That's Richard Lewis," I added, always glad to add my showbiz "cred," as their therapist.

"I don't want to go off on a rant here," said Miller, "but now you're a graying curmudgeon on a third-rate Friday night NBC sitcom that makes Rickles in 'CPO Sharkey' look like Caesar in 'Your Show of Shows.' It's the trajectory of Rachel Dratch except you had a talk show with a fishtank background where you couldn't even interview your friend Hawn without making viewers as uncomfortable as Ali sitting on his stool when he couldn't answer the bell against Holmes."

"Do anyone ever be knowing what this guy ever be talking about?" asked Earvin. "I may talk in Ebonetics, but this guy is like Winkipenia."

"I poop on Dinkipenia," said Conan's cigar-smoking dog.

And Conan just cried and cried. Someone thought they heard him say "Jay." But it could have been the fat guy with him, passing gas.

Therapist clicks Dictaphone to "off" position.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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