I'm Stuck In Rehab With Failed TV Hosts (Part 2)

Written by Matt Morchower

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Therapist clicks on dictaphone to review session and begins speaking.

Arsenio Hall just got a new show so he's out of here. Some no-shows today, more manageable group. Just when we had some breathing room, here comes Ann Curry, crying all over her silk scarf and over-emoting.

Today we had Conan O'Brien (will this guy ever leave?), Denis Miller, Craig Kilborn, Marilu Henner, Pat Sajak and Magic Johnson.

Curry's crying was a reverse Sally Field. "Nobody liked me! Nobody really liked me!"

"That's not true," Magic Johnson said. "They had just of once been liking Jen Pauley, and that Kathy Couric, and that Meredith Varaya - Veiwna - Veerera. It's like some people liked me, and some liked Bird.

"Craiggers" (why he insisted on calling himself that, I don't know) Kilborn tried to explain. "The white guys, the liked Bird," said Craiggers, "and the brothers, liked the brother."

Denis Miller as usual tried to add perspective. "I don't want to go on a rant here, but you're black and you had no talk show skills, even for FOX. Pauley, Couric and - say it after me, now - Vieira - stand out as being as white as Ryan Seacrest at the National Association of Black Journalists Conference. And Curry had some type of mixed heritage. Viewers don't like that, unless you're a Stepin Fetchit like Roker. So Curry, you still get to follow the big stories such as the Hutus/Tutsis in Rwanda, or the Sikhs/Tamils in Sri Lanka. You're like a modern Peloponnesian War reporter. Think of all the suffering!"

He waited for the laugh that never came. That happened weekly with this guy, Miller. "Too hip for the room," he muttered. "Nobody ever gets the Peloponnisian War analogies. But man, they're funny."

Pat Sajak weighed in. The guy lost his late night show in 1990 but still comes in. I only found out his name last year, because his "Hello My Name Is" sticker says, "Pa_ Sa_ak." For 20 years I thought his name was "Pal Sanak." He liked walking up to whomever was speaking and standing next to them. "Hey," he said, walking up to Ann Curry, how about we all take an all-expenses paid trip to…CANCUN! In a NEW CAR!"

Ann Curry brightened. "Maybe there's horribly tragic human suffering there I can cover!"

Marilu Henner spoke up. Despite being 60, she had a face that made her look like my six-year-old daughter but with an enormous rack. "I like it. But man, stay out of that bathroom after me if we're in Cancun. I'm like DeVito was in "Taxi." He'd forget to flush and leave behind gifts that looked just like him. Talk about s---ting yourself, he literally did. He'd go get them and use them as hand puppets."

Ann Curry said, "That's gross."

"Not as gross as your on-air farewell," Henner snapped.

And despite some chubby sidekick handing him a hankie, Conan O'Brien just cried and cried.

Even though the hand puppet thing was kind of funny.

Therapist hits "stop" on dictaphone.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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