Written by colin hal

Monday, 14 June 2004


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Park yourselves submissive students and read carefully what I have to say.

First of all there are a lot of library books that haven’t been returned to the school, just because we don’t enforce any fines, students think they can take advantage of us.

Let me remind you, this is your first and last warning, bring all books that belong to the school immediately to the reception.

We are holding a “Book amnesty” no questions asked, just hand them into reception by hand.

Those who fail to bring in any books, (whether they have taken out any books from the library or not), they will be executed!

At least you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

So either bring in a book or face a death penalty!

Remember these books don’t even have to be from school, they can be from your own personal collection, either belonging to you or your parents.

Hand them in at reception no questions asked, easy as that.

Secondly, I want to talk to you about students using the schools P.E kits to ejaculate in.

You might have noticed whenever anyone doesn’t bring in P.E kit we always force him to wear the schools P.E kits.

For some students this is too good to be true and they can’t wait to relieve themselves off their sexual anxiety.

Thirdly water fountains are not toilets! For goodness sake stop pissing in them!

Mr. Hal says whoever is caught pissing in the fountains will have his dick chopped off and nailed to the wall in the corridors next to the pictures of “Outstanding students”.

Fourthly, all the teachers who want to lick Mr. Hal’s ass, really, really good, make the students take off their jackets during assembly, if you can get them to strip even better.

Mr. Hal wants to see more flesh!

Fifthly, all girls wearing revealing clothing will be shot, easy as that!

All you inner city council house slappers need to cover up more, I know you are poor, but don’t be cheap as well as poor!

Anyway you know how horny the HPS boys are, last year an Irish boy was caught having sex with a girl in the boy’s bathroom, that’s right I was watching.

Nothing escapes me, now he’s working as a toilet cleaner, what a coincidence.

And what a nice example too, I mean not only was he crap in his school work but he was crap at sex also.

The girl who he had sex with now works in JD sports, this is what she had to say:

“Oh yeah I remember, he said he was after my lucky charms, really uncomfortable experience, my head was dunked in the toilet bowl and he kept calling me his bitch, even though technically he was my bitch because I remember he didn’t even have a dick. All he had was a 2b pencil”

Finally I want to display the new rules presented by Mr. Hal to me recently. Here they are in order of number:


Keep your legs closed

Always keep your pencils sharpened (As usual)

Using Mr. Hal’s name in vain is illegal

Homework must not including slang words like “Menz, “Blad” or anything other nonsense.

No fun!

Keep to the left when walking in the corridors (or is it right? I can’t remember)

Good music is prohibited (Shite music only)

Cock fights are not allowed

Masturbation on school premises is now illegal (only if you have a medical condition)

If your shit gets stolen don’t come complaining to us, look after your own shit.


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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