Written by SeanFallon

Friday, 6 October 2017


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

Season 2 of CW's hit show Riverdale, based on the Archie Comics, is slated to begin airing on Wednesday, October 11, with all new surprises, including new cast members. Season 1 is available on Netflix. Information about the new season has been leaked. Here is what my sources have revealed.

Hiram Lodge (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson) is out of jail, and has joined his family in Riverdale. His wife, Hermione (Marisol Nichols) was happy to see him, telling him that his plan worked that she would kiss Fred Andrews (Luke Perry) to convince Fred to take part in a business negotiation. Daughter Veronica (Camila Mendes) was relieved to realize that her mother was not having a real affair.

Fred Andrews, who was shot at the end of Season 1, survived the shot. An old friend from Beverly Hills named Brandon (Jason Priestly) took credit for the shot, claiming it was retaliation for Fred seducing his twin sister when she was in high school, and he was in his twenties merely pretending to be in high school. Fred decides to leave Riverdale and head back to Beverly Hills to rekindle his romance with Brandon's twin sister Brenda.

Archie Andrews (KJ Apa) stays behind in Riverdale, as his mother Mary (Molly Ringwald) moves in with her new husband, Pastor Gus (Kirk Cameron.) Pastor Gus tries to influence Archie to become a Christian, but Archie would hear none of it. Nevertheless, his friends Jughead (Cole Sprouse) and Betty (Lili Reinhart) become intrigued, and decide that they are going to keep their relationship pure, saving themselves for marriage. They witness to their friend Kevin (Casey Cott) who discovers that God loves gay people, too, despite the hateful propaganda in the media that tries to portray heretics as speaking for God. Kevin embraces Christianity whole-heartedly and leads a ministry towards the gay community.

Betty's parents Alice (M├Ądchen Amick) and Hal (Lochlyn Munro) get a divorce, Hal moving out of the house, and out of spite towards Alice, starts a new relationship with Alice's enemy, the recently widowed Penelope Blossom (Nathalie Boltt.) It isn't long before Betty's sister Polly (Tiera Skovbye) goes missing, along with Polly's newborn babies. Alice insists that Hal is behind Polly's disappearance, and starts printing papers that state her conjecture as if it was concluded fact.

Several weeks later, Hal's car is found totaled, with Hal and Penelope both inside, both deceased. Autopsies reveal that they had died before Polly ever went missing, so they could not have been involved. Betty becomes infuriated at her mother for spreading such hateful propaganda. Betty decides to research everything thoroughly and is mortified to find out that every reason that she and Jughead had to despise President Donald J. Trump (Harrison Ford) and call for his impeachment was all rooted in media propaganda. Betty and Jughead embark on a crusade to bring integrity back to journalism.

As for Alice, she goes so crazy that she gets committed to an insane asylum, run by her namesake who cordially greats her with "Hey stoopid, school's out. No more Mr. nice guy. Now, welcome to my nightmare!" Betty's mother appears terrified.

Cheryl Blossom (Madelaine Petsch), the newly orphaned captain of the cheerleading squad known as the Riverdale Vixens is now getting threatened from cheerleaders from other schools, as a new cheerleading competition has gone underway, between eight schools. The other squads are known as the Dashers, Dancers, Prancers, Comets, Cupids, Donners, and Blitzens. The captain of the Blitzens is named Trixie (Kaitlyn Dever) and comes from a sweet family. Her father and mother (James Murray and Danica McKellar) are well respected in their community. Cheryl, however, has a personal vendetta with her, and constantly tries pranking her, which often backfires, particularly in one prank gone awry in which Cheryl ends up covered from head to toe in maple syrup.

Meanwhile, Donald J. Trump finds out about what Jughead and Betty were doing, and rewards them by giving Jughead's father, F.P. Jones (Skeet Ulrich) a full pardon.

Under the Christian influence of Betty, Jughead, and Kevin, Josie McCoy (Ashleigh Murray) decides to research the teachings of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. She discovers that her pompous attitudes are diametrically opposed to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s teachings. When Josie then becomes romantically involved with Moose (Cody Kearsley) Josie's mother, Mayor McCoy (Robin Givens) strongly disapproves, on the grounds that Moose is white. She gets word that her father, who couldn't be bothered actually appearing during this season, disapproves as well. Josie has a total attitude adjustment, realizing what terrible role models her parents are, and how her friend Valerie (Hayley Law) is a true example of how a positively decent black woman conducts herself. It isn't long before the police catch up to Mayor McCoy over all her corruption. She is forced to stand before the judge (Aaron Judge) and gets convicted of criminal fraud and obstruction of justice, by a jury comprised of eleven African-Americans and one white person (Brad Paisley). She protests that the one white juror swayed the other jurors and that her arrest was race based, but she still ends up in jail.

With the seat of the mayor becoming vacant, F.P. Jones becomes the new mayor. He is able to get good decent jobs for all the Southside Serpents. Furthermore, he becomes able to afford a nice house where he is joined by Jughead, as well as his wife Gladys (Lauren Graham) and their daughter Jellybean (Ava Kolker.) Betty moves in with them, too, but in a separate bedroom from Jughead. They become the wealthiest family in Riverdale, but unlike the Blossoms, they are well loved by the community. In fact, all of Riverdale is trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Archie's relationship with Veronica is not going quite as smoothly as Jughead and Betty's relationship. Archie is still having thoughts about his former music teacher, Miss Grundy (Sarah Habel.) This upsets Veronica so much that she tracks Miss Grundy down, and challenges her to a fight, at the next WWE pay-per-view spectacular.

The match takes place in the new arena, constructed where the drive-in once stood. Hiram and Hermione are there to cheer on their daughter. Friends Betty, Jughead, Kevin, Moose, Josie, and Valerie come to cheer Veronica on, too. There is a special guest referee (Mick Foley). At the announce table, guest ring announcers are Joey Lawrence and Melissa Joan Hart. The match is very exciting, Veronica dominating, in what appears more like a fight than a match. Veronica eventually wins. Her family and friends cheer her on, but one person is mysteriously missing from the arena, Archie. Veronica is clearly bothered by this.

Where is Archie? He is busy having a steamy affair with, you guessed it, Cheryl Blossom.

After Archie is with Cheryl, he wants to brag about his "conquest." He knows that Jughead would not approve, so he goes over to his friend Reggie (now being played by Charles Melton, replacing Ross Butler from Season 1.) Reggie's parents are not home. When Archie gets to Reggie's house, he hears screaming from the basement. He goes down to investigate. Reggie is down in his basement holding Polly Cooper as his personal slave, threatening to harm her babies if she does not do everything he asks of her. Polly insists, "Archie, please help me!"

Archie looks at Reggie with disgust and proclaims, "You have the audacity to hold Polly Cooper in the basement all this time as your personal sex slave...and you didn't let me get in on that action?" Polly screams as Archie and Reggie slap each other a high five. Archie smiles as he approaches screaming Polly and begins removing his belt.

What happens next? I'll let you know when I acquire the spoilers for Season 3.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: TV

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
48 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more