The Government have, this morning, unveiled plans to raise billions of pounds to support the fragile economy. It was widely expected that they were to introduce an increase in VAT, but in a shock, and massively controversial, move, Government spokespersonnage Clint Oris has told The Spoof that, for the first time in history, orgasms are to be taxed.
"We understand that this is going to be hard to swallow," Mr. Oris explained, "but we at the Tory Party are very aware that a levy attached to orgasms is likely to wipe out the national debt in little over a year."
"Every person who is about to have sex will be required to wear a device which records several key factors, including intensity, duration and loudness. The bigger the orgasm, the higher the price."
When asked about those without partners Mr. Oris told us, "Just because you're single doesn't mean that you can just have a cheeky tug and get away with it. Not at all. Single people will be required to wear a device similar to a pedometer on their wrist. A fifteen minute session is likely to be the equivalent of a five mile jog, and would accrue a levy of roughly £6."
These proposals have incited a furore amongst sexually active adults and a pressure group, "The Bankers are the Wankers" has been established to attempt to thwart the proposals.
TBATW secretary Micky Sticky told us, "This raises a whole lot of issues... for example, does faking an orgasm still count? In that case the government are going to be charging for goods not received. And what about the poor unfortunates who knock one out by mistake whilst undergoing a prostate examination? It's hardly their fault, you know."
"The only reason to have an orgasm in an examination could only be that you don't want to hurt the doctor's feelings," countered Clint Oris. "Get a grip for goodness sake... try to be more like Sting. He can delay his climax for seven hours."
For those in the community who've been banging their partners for forty years without success, this is hardly news.
The Orgasm Rating Appliance Levy, or ORAL, will send a mailshot to every house in England with a money off voucher for their first three orgasms, and advice on how and where to buy the equipment. The first lucky 50 customers will also receive a life-like dildo, which goes soft before you've finished.
