Showing breaking news satire snippets written by JAB.

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Fed's Bernanke comes out of the closet

In a brief statement from his office in Washington, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, stated, "I affirm my commitment to Basel III -- let's just leave it at that"

written by JAB, 22 February 2013

Biden gives speech to rally support for gun control

In his speech the Vice President said, "there will be a moral price to pay for inaction." Neil Kinnock in 1988 said verbatim in his run against Margaret Thatcher.
"D'oh!" muttered a Biden spokesman.

written by JAB, 22 February 2013

Michigan boy finds finger piece in Arby's sandwich

A spokesman for Arby's apologized saying "That was supposed to be in the chopped salad"

written by JAB, 17 May 2012

Queen's Diamond Jubilee tour reaches Lancashire

Excerpt from her speech
"I read the news today oh boy
Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire
And though the holes were rather small
They had to count them all
I'd love to turn you on"

written by JAB, 16 May 2012

Man self-immolates near Breivik trial in Oslo

When you set fire to something you're an arsonist. If you set fire to yourself shouldn't you be called a arsenist

written by JAB, 16 May 2012

Tom Cruise in Playboy: 'When Katie Holmes walks into the room, I feel better'

Mainly cause his chin just comes up to her boobs

written by JAB, 16 May 2012

Jolie forks over $1M on chopper, lessons for beau Brad Pitt

I guess they won't be adopting for awhile

written by JAB, 16 May 2012

Dongman's ex Elin with Dingman

Elin Nordegren's romance with wealthy businessman Jamie Dingman continues to quietly heat up, while her ex Tiger 'Dongman' Woods' continues having trouble with his putter

written by JAB, 16 May 2012

Veteran Newark Airport security supervisor used dead man's ID for 20 years

Newark security supervisor Peter Abimbola "Bimbo" Olumuyia Oyewole, an illegal Nigerian national had posed as Jerry Thomas since 1992.
What was wrong with Bimbo ?

written by JAB, 15 May 2012

Obama admits he never heard of 'Fifty Shades' book, says he will ask wife

Some Commander-in-Chief! President Clinton knows fifty-one.

written by JAB, 15 May 2012

President Obama on the View talking about JP Morgan Chase

"…Jamie Dimon, the head of it, is one of the smartest bankers we got [sic]…"

Gots to be the Harvard education

written by JAB, 15 May 2012

Alan Titchmarsh's introduction to gardening

Garden expert Alan Titchmarsh describes why he has had a life-long passion for gardening and gives useful tips on how to get your garden blooming in no time.

It's called, WATER

written by JAB, 12 May 2012

French elite plan to relocate to London to avoid new tax regime

As they say, "If a frog had wings it would save a lot of wear and tear on its ass"

written by JAB, 12 May 2012

Biden: "Village People are the greatest band"

Obama: "My position on whether they should be in the Rocking Roll Hall of Fame is evolving"

written by JAB, 12 May 2012

Jamie Dimon admits JPMorgan was 'sloppy'

CEO Jamie Dimon said the $2 billion loss from risky trades had been "sloppy".

Earth to Jamie-- INCOMPETENT!!

written by JAB, 12 May 2012

President Obama's embraces same-sex marriage

The President said, "I was reading Charles Darwin's 'On the Origin of Species' in bed, when Michelle passed me the mixed nuts, it was then that I had a 'natural selection' moment and I evolved."

written by JAB, 10 May 2012

Naked unicyclist charged for distracting drivers

Police say a man arrested in a Southeast Texas city for riding his unicycle in the nude was distracting drivers and creating a hazard.
Something to do with his left turn signal.

written by JAB, 10 May 2012

Masseurs Association of America Upset

Members of the Masseurs Association are up in…er, they aren't happy with what's been going down…er, this Travolta story sucks

written by JAB, 10 May 2012

Rihanna sick after Met gala

A source says she became sick from, "excessive partying and not slowing down. She has been traveling nonstop and going wild."
"Don't even go there," said Chris Brown

written by JAB, 10 May 2012

Bill Clinton in Malibu

Barbra Streisand has invited Bill Clinton as a special guest for a benefit she's planning at her Malibu home, June 14.
No word on who's designing Bab's red dress

written by JAB, 10 May 2012

Travolta says he wasn't in LA on day of male massage 'grope'

The accuser's lawyer, Okorie Okorocha from Okefenokee said, "Okeydokey smokey, liar liar pants on fire see you in court."

written by JAB, 10 May 2012

Robertson blows save in 9th inning as Yankees lose

"I blew it tonight," said Robertson
Lawyer, Okorie Okorocha wants proof that John Travolta was not at the game.

written by JAB, 10 May 2012

Pippa Middleton is considering a move New York City

Middleton rejected Paris, after friend Romain Rabillard pointed a fake gun at photographers.
Try Nashville, permit holders can carry loaded firearms into bars and restaurants that serve alcohol.

written by JAB, 09 May 2012

John Travolta Hit with Second Sexual Battery Claim from another Masseur

Attorney, Okorie Okorocha, filed a complaint on behalf of John Doe No. 1, and then filed an amended complaint adding John Doe No. 2.
No word on the sick parents who would name their kids No.1 & No.2

written by JAB, 09 May 2012

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