Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Erskin Quint.Show all snippets.
I Inherited Lord Boothby's Recipe Books, Claims Anatolian Goat-Skinner
The Two David Livingstones have hit a snag with the new bungalow in Boxgrove. "The life-size waxwork of Daniel Lambert won't fit through the front door", said David Livingstone, yesterday.
How To Nurture Your Inner Thomsons Gazelle
The papier mache bust of Hereward The Wake crisis has reached new levels at Dorchester pub The Running Sore. "Now we've found more damned busts wedged up the chimneys," said landlord Colin Drab, yesterday.
Ted Heath's Toby Jug Collection Stolen
Pontefract hot water bottle designer, Colin Artefact, has abandoned his attempt to recreate the ebony hot water bottles of the early Hittite queens (or Tawananna). "You can't get the wood," he said.
Robbie WIlliams To Rent Gobi Desert As Ego Storage
Dorking bachelor, Dick Palmer, has fallen out with his imaginary wife. "She's gone to stay at her mum's," he said, yesterday. "I'm back to wanking over thoughts of a naked Joan Bakewell stroking an okapi.
Owls Nesting in Jacob Rees-Mogg
"Coldplay are awful," claims Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, "and that Chris Martin is a tedious prick. I can see it, and I've been dead since 1851. What's wrong with these people?"
I Sent My Turds To Art Garfunkle's Gardener, Claims Roy Cropper Actor
Billericay eel-strangler, Gladys Stencil, is no fan of the Octopus. "Slippery bastards! I had a go at one once," she reminisced, yesterday. "Next thing yer know, I had me 'ands on a bleedin' coral branch!
Bishop Swallows Theodolite
A stone age cave drawing of Victor Borge and Violet Carson playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Arthur Askey breaks up a Hittite Chariot for kindling, has been spoiled by chalk graffiti.
Kissinger Confesses: My Threesome With Topol And Jimmy Hill
Little Richard had a flock of imaginary passenger pigeons in his spare bedroom at the flat in Doncaster. He said he was "saving them from extinction in his mind, if not the so-called real world."
Scarborough Bans Gordon Ramsay
"I wrote Dostoyevsky's The Idiot", claims Devon watering-can repairer, Adelbert Lossiemouth. "I had the plot and characters all ready to go, but Dostoyevsky got published before I got it written down."
Winston Churchill's Nude Capybara Nightmare
"It's important to stay positive during the lockdown," says veteran entertainer, Rolf Harris. "I keep cheerful by watching old videos of Jim'll Fix It and It's a Knockout, and listening to Dave Lee Travis.
Sue Barker's Garden Gnome Hell
Devon farmer John Barleycorne, the first man to have cement ears fitted, is a fan of offensive comedian Roy "Chubby" Brown and the sacred polyphony of William Byrd.
Whipsnade Tragedy: Giant Snail Crushed by Pygmy Hippo
More Highlights from the Cretin Channel
19:30 Celebrity Countdown Outtakes: the funniest moments from Donald Trump and Priti Patel
Trump Says Soap Is The Answer
"Soap, right? You wash your hands to kill it. I'm asking, could we get the soap inside the body? Through the skin? Almost a cleaning? It does a tremendous number on the lungs. Can we look at that?"
Trump: Electric Light To Help Fight Corona
"The light kills it. If we use tremendous amounts of light. Even at night. We have electric light, right? Can we get it inside the body? And the neon. I'm not a doctor but we'd be 24/7."
"Fire Kills Corona", Claims Trump
"Could we hit the body with a tremendous amount of fire? I've seen the fire. It kills everything. Can we look at getting it inside the body? Fire is so big. It's not even size, it's genius."
Vim Shares Plummet After Trump Debacle
An ambrotype depicting Donald Trump playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Louis Pasteur weeps in despair, has been stolen from Bill Gates' underground World Domination HQ.
Trump: Vim Will Help Ud Beat Corona
"Can we look at Vim? They have Vim in the UK, though there's a shortage. They're using it. It kills Corona. It's like a powerful powder. The women powder their noses, right? It's ready to go."
Camel Humps "Kill Corona" Claims Trump
"The camels don't have corona. They have the humps. Some of 'em have two. That's gotta be worth looking into. Even the ones with no humps have a little hump. Almost a hump. Like the Limas of Peru."
Stevenage Menaced by Rogue Capybara
More Highlights from The Cretin Channel:
21:00 Celebrity Gibberish:
Can new girl Priti Patel hope to challenge Donald Trump?
22:00 Movie: Humpty Dumpty Goes To Seed, starring James Corden
Trump Latest: Jugged Hare Could Help WIth Corona
"Trump is one cat that's slated for crashville", says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "That disinfectant shit is a real zonk on the head. If a square don't know his groceries, he should can the lip."
Trump Says Glue Made From Horses Will Kill Coronavirus
"Trump's statements about using disinfectant to cure COVID-19 were appalling", Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha said, yesterday. "It's obvious to me, even though I died in 1851."
I'd Try Chimpanzee Serum Toothpaste, Claims Trump
Famous cook Delia Smith is a fan of Donald Trump. "I want him to whip my naked body with live eels and cover me in disinfectant", she told Good Morning Britain presenter Susannah Reid, yesterday.
Trafalgar Nelson "An Impostor", Claims Dorset Rapist
Famous cookery author Delia Smith has denied any relationship to the Temple of the Delians on the Greek island of Delos. "The Pagan Cult I lead is based at Yaxham", she said, yesterday.
Sussex Judge Damaged By Moths
"Donald Trump is a lying narcissist who shouldn't be anywhere near public office", claims Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I can see it even though I died in 1851."
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020