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Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw.

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North Korean Refugee Demands Return Flight

"As soon as I landed in Bremen, I was made to wear a mask, and follow 2 metres distancing. They even offered me free vaccine. Such a violation of my freedoms! Give me communism any day!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 27 October 2021

Strange Scars Appearing on Vaccinated Individuals

It has been recently observed all over the world that those who have been fully vaccinated against COVID are developing scars on their right hands and foreheads that resemble the Roman numeral DCLXVI.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 17 October 2021

Straight Men Don't Actually Like Dancing

A recent study has confirmed what has long been suspected: While many gay men genuinely like to dance, straight men only go out dancing to watch female body fat (especially breasts) bounce around.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 17 October 2021

COVID-19 Outbreak Traced to Blarney Stone

Caretakers at Blarney castle have taken to washing off the face of the famous stone with fine Irish whiskey after each kissing visitor.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 27 June 2021

Bad Translations of "Mein Kampf" Enjoy Record Sales in U.S.

Apparently, most buyers are speech writers for Republican politicians.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 03 February 2021

Pretty and Highly Successful Canadian Figurehead Actually a Miserable Psycho Bitch

Yes, Johnny, our figurehead isn't what she seems either.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 23 January 2021

Donald Trump Denied Medical Coverage

Admissions staff at Walter Reed Hospital determined that he had a pre-existing condition. When all of The Donald's credit cards were rejected, Melania offered to pay medical staff "in kind".

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 03 October 2020

Trump Touts Penicillin as COVID Cure

When Dr. Fauci pointed out that antibiotics are only effective against bacteria and not viruses, Trump retorted: "FAKE NEWS!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 02 August 2020

Coronavirus Health Tip of the Day

When leaving home, carry a small butane torch and several spare fuel cartridges. This way, when you need to open a door, you will be able to heat the handle to a dull red color before touching it.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 11 March 2020

PETA Protester Eaten by Pigs

How was she to know, before cutting the wires, that the pigs within the enclosure had been sick all week, and were just starting to regain their appetites?

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 24 June 2019

Progress in India-Pakistan Peace Talks

"We haven't gotten them to give up their nuclear-tipped missiles, but they have agreed to target each other's telemarketing offices, and that's great news for the rest of the world!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 01 June 2019

President Trump Nominates Ivanka to Head World Wank Bank

"She'll be excellent in this role! After all, she's been number one in my personal wank bank since she was twelve years old!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 20 April 2019

Kanye Calls for Return of Slavery

"Slavery is one of the things that made America great, and it will, given the chance, make America great again!" he tweeted.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 13 October 2018

Kanye Announces Name Change

The artist formerly known as "Kanye West" shall henceforth be known as "The Other Very Stable Genius".

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 13 October 2018

Dyslexic Christian Gets Boner Again

And, in related news, a dyslexic agnostic in New Jersey is still not certain as to whether there's a dog or not.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 15 September 2018

Redneck Torches Own Pubic Hair

Apparently, an astute sales clerk, on noticing her customer's MAGA hat, quickly stitched an extra NIKE logo onto the crotch of the gym shorts he was about to purchase -- and waited.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 08 September 2018

Self-Driving Car Hits Moonwalking Pedestrian

Apparently, the car's computer had difficulty determining which way the pedestrian was moving. For safety's sake, it is recommended that moonwalkers wear their hats backwards, until further notice.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 08 September 2018

Pedophile Defense Fund Debuts

It is completely secular in nature, and is expected to be popular among people who want to help pedophiles escape justice without having to sit through Mass every Sunday.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 27 August 2018

Roseanne Smokes Ambien, Commits Genocide

That's what can happen when the human brain receives a sudden rush of all those racistogenic molecules all at once.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 19 June 2018

Nevada Brothels Offer 50% Discount to "Incels"

"I hope y'all appreciate how much money we're losing on this", sighed one Madam. "I mean, I have to offer the girls one hell of a bonus just to let those twits come anywhere near their twats!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 04 June 2018

Church of England Excommunicates Harry, Meghan

"Her current state of pregnancy is clear evidence of pre-marital sex", read a statement from the Archbishop of Cunt Herbiary. "This is a clear violation of our eternal and unchanging doctrines."

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 27 May 2018

"Goop" Introduces Coal Egg

"Once you muster enough pelvic muscle strength to compress this baby into a diamond, you will have a beautiful gemstone to present to the man of your dreams," declared spokesmodel Gwyneth Paltrow.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 13 January 2018

Trump Tweets to be Appended to "Little Red Book"

Maoist scholars have been compiling all of His Orangeness's tweets, and, after careful deliberation, have deemed them to be just as insightful as the sayings of The Great Helmsman.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 13 January 2018

Canadian Rock Icon Dies, New Orleans Sinks

his band denies having anything to do with this catastrophe. When asked to comment, mayor Mitch Landrieu could only say: "Blub gurgle burble glub blub!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 30 October 2017


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