Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Matt Birkenhauer.
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Trump to Seek Re-erection
President Donald J. Trump to seek re-erection in 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, etc., though not with his wife Melania.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 April 2018
Broken News!
THIS JUST IN: A Category 5 Tweetstorm descends on the White House. President Trump feared missing—until he was found on the shitter, angrily exercising his executive time.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 02 April 2018
Jake Tapper's Plastic Surgery
Poor Jake Tapper. I have to think, years after Donald Trump is out of office (and hopefully in jail), he’ll need a plastic surgeon to get that “What the FUCK? Again!!” look off his face.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 15 March 2018
Time is money?
If, as my Grandpa used to say, "Time is money," why is it that I'm now sixty and not a whole wealthier than when I was forty?
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 January 2018
"Pedophilia now, pedophilia tomorrow, pedophilia forever!"
Oh, if only Alabamians could reanimate ol' George Wallace to campaign for Judge Roy Moore.
I can hear him now, roaring to the crowds, "Pedophilia now, pedophilia tomorrow, pedophilia forever!"
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 12 December 2017
Alabama's New State Motto
After Tuesday Alabama's state motto, Audemus jura nostra defendere ("We dare defend our rights"), will most likely be changed to Audemus pedophilium nostra defendere ("We dare defend our pedophiles").
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 10 December 2017
"You're fired!"
I hear the Republican Party appeared on a recent episode of The Apprentice as one of its guests and was promptly fired by its addled host.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 October 2017
Gun Rights Activist Dwayne LaPenis Shot While Giving a Speech to the Gun Lobby
Dies Minutes Later as Attending Physicians Offer Their "Thoughts and Prayers"
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 02 October 2017
Tweeting Out of Your Ass
idiom. Used to describe what President Trump does early in the morning when he should be devoting his time to mastering complex domestic and foreign policy issues.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 08 July 2017
Feeling Old
I got the results back from my Telomere kit to find out how old I was in Teloyears, and discovered that I've been dead since 2007. Bummer.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 April 2017
The First Two Hundred Days
BREAKING NEWS: After No Major Legislative Wins, President Trump Signs an Executive Order Extending the First One Hundred Days to Two Hundred Days
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 April 2017
Dys-Trumpian World
I'm thinking of writing a dystopian novel loosely based on the Trump Administration. It will be called my diary.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 09 February 2017
Trump U. to Re-open
BREAKING NEWS: Betsy DeVos Approved as Secretary of Education, Trump U. to Re-open
(A cardboard cutout of Donald Trump is expected to teach a class in for-profit schools and Ponzi schemes.)
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 31 January 2017
Build That Wall!
This Just In: Kellyanne Conway Calls for Building a Wall between Donald Trump and his Twitter Account, Which American Taxpayers Are Only Too Glad to Pay For
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 January 2017
Alternative Facts
Alternative facts. n. a rhetorical device employed by political surrogates of questionable character when reality does not match up with their political agenda. See Trump surrogate.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 January 2017
Putting Christ Back in Christmas
Thank God the PussyGrabber-in-Chief is putting Christ back in Christmas . (Just don't let him anywhere near the Virgin Mary.)
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 December 2016
Birther Certificate
#BreakingNews: President Barack Obama Admits That Donald Trump's Birther Certificate Is Authentic
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 December 2016
The New GOP
Truth in advertising: Maybe the GOP ought to now stand for Grovelling Over Putin?
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 14 December 2016
Thanksgiving Pardon
Today President Obama pardoned all the turkeys who voted for Donald Trump.
They will live out their lives standing in unemployment lines, waiting for Mr. Trump to Make America Great Again.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 November 2016
Thanksgiving Reminder to Self
Reminder to self: If the topic of the election comes up at Thanksgiving, do NOT refer to the President-erect as the Birther-in-Chief or as President Xenophobe.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 23 November 2016
First Amendment Rewrite
Republicans have rewritten the Establishment Clause, "Congress shall make no law respecting the practice of Islam but shall make one prohibiting the free exercise thereof."
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 19 November 2016
Donald Trump's Newest Book
Donald Trump has released his newest book, called "They Pussy Grabber-in-Chief Tells All: How to Seduce Women and Voters with Tic Tacs and Bombast."
On sale at adult book stores everywhere.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 15 November 2016
Hurricane Donald
HURRICAN DONALD TO MAKE LANDFALL ON THE ISLAND OF REPUBLICAN IN EARLY NOVEMBER
The Blowhard, expected to reach winds of 160 MPH, may well level the Grand Old Party--or, at least what's left of it.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 October 2016
Rock-a-Bye Donald
Rock-a-bye Donald, in the pawnshop
When the wind blows, the campaign will rock
When the polls break, the campaign will fall
And down will come Donald, claptrap and all
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 17 August 2016
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