Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Matt Birkenhauer.
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IV Hypedration
I passed a sign advertising an IV Hydration treatment for $79.00 and thought, "I could buy a lot of water bottles with that."
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 13 June 2025
The Unfinished Joke
I came across an unfinished joke on the way to the gym: a banana peel on the sidewalk. I waited around for ten minutes for the punchline, but it never came.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 April 2025
George Santos Biopic
George Santos to Appear as Somebody Else in the New Biopic about his Lies—er, Lives
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 April 2025
Sprinter
I think we need a transitional season between winter and spring called “sprinter.”
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 19 April 2025
A Change of Pants
(With loving apologies to Robert. Frost)
The way a bird
Shot down one me
A runny turd
From a locust tree
Has given my pants
A change of color
And to clean the mess
Cost me a dollar.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 18 April 2025
Trump's Plane Crashes
Wow! When my friends said Donald Trump’s Ad. would be a plane crash, I only took that metaphorically, not literally (or plurally). (Now, cut those excess worker from the FAA! )
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 February 2025
Alone Again, Naturally
Sometimes I like being with myself, alone. We’re both very personable, and we share the same interests.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 18 February 2025
Always Late
Is it possible that we call the deceased “late” because, hereafter, they will never be on time again?
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 05 February 2025
Riddle
What do you call a family reunion of the Marlarkeys?
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 01 February 2025
Only in America
Whereas most countries prosecute politicians who try to violently overthrow a constitutional form of government, we elect them to the highest office in the land.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 18 January 2025
Dear Canada . . . .
Dear Canada, Panama, and Greenland,
Please forgive us. A little over half of our country voted for an idiot. At least he will be fodder for comedians for the next few years.
Sane Americans
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 27 December 2024
"I'll see myself out
How many times on TV have you heard someone say, “I’ll see myself out.” How exactly do you DO this? Do you just follow your double or clone out the door? (Asking for a clone.)
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 15 November 2024
Southern Hospitality
When someone farts in mixed company, blame it on the dog. That’s just southern hospitality—unless you’re Kristi Noem. Then you shoot the dog.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 02 May 2024
World Historical Clowns
Sometimes in my darker moments—and contrary to Hegel—I think the world is directed by World Historical Clowns, not men or women.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 21 February 2024
The Third Commandment
I’ve never understood the commandment about using the Lord’s name in vain.
Every time I say “Goddammit!," I’d like to think I’m putting it to good use.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 27 November 2023
Miami, Florida Wants Me (for Donald Trump)
Now sing along (sounds of sirens):
“Miami, Florida wants me.
Looooord I can’t go back there!”
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 June 2023
Banning the Bible
You think the next book a Texas school board bans will be the Song of Solomon? After all, some teens get a stiffy every time they read it!
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 02 February 2022
Nietzsche on Mortality
Oh, if only Nietzsche had lived a few years longer, we might now be regaled with, “What doesn’t kill me makes me older.”
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 26 January 2022
Big Bird Fatwa
Once the new documentary on Sesame Street comes out, I’m waiting for the Republican Party to declare a Fatwa on Big Bird.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 18 December 2021
Teleportable Pair of Glasses
HEADLINE: Elderly Man Invents Teleportable Pair of Glasses But Can’t Remember Where He Left the Teleporter.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 December 2021
Intelligent Design?
I thank the Almighty for making turkeys the slow, awkward animals they were when our ancestors had only muzzle loaders to shoot them with. God is good.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 November 2021
Why I Take Fish Oil?
At 64, I have a mind like a . . . uh . . . you know . . . that metal cage thingy?
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 12 November 2021
Remote Control
My son tells me, to avoid confusion among our many remotes, that we ought to get a single universal remote that does it all.
My response: “In my day, son, we had five remotes! (Ah, nostalgia!)
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 28 September 2021
Thinking Outside of the Box
Is it possible that the cum stains on bedsheets left over after love making are what inspired the Swiss psychiatrist Hermann Rorschach?
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 July 2021
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