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Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Matt Birkenhauer.

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The Caravans Are Coming!

BREAKING NEWS: Wednesday night, my porch was invaded by caravan after caravan of scary people. I just smiled, gave them candy, and sent them on their way.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 November 2018
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Karmic Justice

I don’t think the universe bequeaths karmic justice.

Be nice if it did, though.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 October 2018
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Destination Funeral

You really want to piss off all your friends at the end?

Have a destination funeral.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 September 2018
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Bad Press

BREAKING NEWS: Munchausen by Proxy Mom Community Sickened by Portrayal of Them in HBO’s New Series “Sharp Objects”

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 29 August 2018
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"A Bridge Too Far"

Do you ever get the impression, listening to cable news, that the cliché “a bridge too far” is, just MAYBE, a bridge too far?

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 26 August 2018
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Jabba the Trump

I find when I watch cable news in the morning, I much prefer watching Donald Trump talk with the volume off. Imagine an orange Jabba the Hutt as a talentless mime.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 May 2018
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Miraculous Megan

In what some are calling a miracle, Megan Markle passes the royal virginity test. She said she owes it all to the example set by Princess Diana.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 17 May 2018
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Trump to Seek Re-erection

President Donald J. Trump to seek re-erection in 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, etc., though not with his wife Melania.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 April 2018
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Broken News!

THIS JUST IN: A Category 5 Tweetstorm descends on the White House. President Trump feared missing—until he was found on the shitter, angrily exercising his executive time.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 02 April 2018
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Jake Tapper's Plastic Surgery

Poor Jake Tapper. I have to think, years after Donald Trump is out of office (and hopefully in jail), he’ll need a plastic surgeon to get that “What the FUCK? Again!!” look off his face.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 15 March 2018
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Time is money?

If, as my Grandpa used to say, "Time is money," why is it that I'm now sixty and not a whole wealthier than when I was forty?

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 January 2018
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"Pedophilia now, pedophilia tomorrow, pedophilia forever!"

Oh, if only Alabamians could reanimate ol' George Wallace to campaign for Judge Roy Moore.

I can hear him now, roaring to the crowds, "Pedophilia now, pedophilia tomorrow, pedophilia forever!"

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 12 December 2017
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Alabama's New State Motto

After Tuesday Alabama's state motto, Audemus jura nostra defendere ("We dare defend our rights"), will most likely be changed to Audemus pedophilium nostra defendere ("We dare defend our pedophiles").

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 10 December 2017
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"You're fired!"

I hear the Republican Party appeared on a recent episode of The Apprentice as one of its guests and was promptly fired by its addled host.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 October 2017
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Gun Rights Activist Dwayne LaPenis Shot While Giving a Speech to the Gun Lobby

Dies Minutes Later as Attending Physicians Offer Their "Thoughts and Prayers"

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 02 October 2017
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Tweeting Out of Your Ass

idiom. Used to describe what President Trump does early in the morning when he should be devoting his time to mastering complex domestic and foreign policy issues.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 08 July 2017
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Feeling Old

I got the results back from my Telomere kit to find out how old I was in Teloyears, and discovered that I've been dead since 2007. Bummer.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 April 2017
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The First Two Hundred Days

BREAKING NEWS: After No Major Legislative Wins, President Trump Signs an Executive Order Extending the First One Hundred Days to Two Hundred Days

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 April 2017
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Dys-Trumpian World

I'm thinking of writing a dystopian novel loosely based on the Trump Administration. It will be called my diary.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 09 February 2017
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Trump U. to Re-open

BREAKING NEWS: Betsy DeVos Approved as Secretary of Education, Trump U. to Re-open

(A cardboard cutout of Donald Trump is expected to teach a class in for-profit schools and Ponzi schemes.)

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 31 January 2017
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Build That Wall!

This Just In: Kellyanne Conway Calls for Building a Wall between Donald Trump and his Twitter Account, Which American Taxpayers Are Only Too Glad to Pay For

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 January 2017
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Alternative Facts

Alternative facts. n. a rhetorical device employed by political surrogates of questionable character when reality does not match up with their political agenda. See Trump surrogate.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 January 2017
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Putting Christ Back in Christmas

Thank God the PussyGrabber-in-Chief is putting Christ back in Christmas . (Just don't let him anywhere near the Virgin Mary.)

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 December 2016
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Birther Certificate

#BreakingNews: President Barack Obama Admits That Donald Trump's Birther Certificate Is Authentic

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 December 2016


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