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Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Matt Birkenhauer.

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Broken News !

Fox News reports that leftist lasers impaired Marjorie Taylor Greene’s brain in order to destroy the Republican Party.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 31 January 2021

Stockholm Syndrome

When a branch of government violently attacked by its leader refuses to hold him accountable for his actions.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 16 January 2021

Trumpsomnia

The inability to sleep due to the machinations of a Would-be Dictator and Madman.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 02 January 2021

The Origin of Fruitcake

Factoid from the Music Channel on Cable: “Fruitcake originated in Egypt and was intended for the afterlife.”

That explains a lot.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 December 2020

Global Warming Isn't Real, Says Pointy-headed Professor

This just in: Professor Stuart J. Petrul, from the Any Rand Institute of Global Denialism, declares that global warming is just a “social construction” and nothing to worry about.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 02 December 2020

Watching Cable News

Watching cable news for hours on end is like reading the same 30 pages of the White Pages over and over, but in different voices.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 28 November 2020

No Trespissing!

Saw a Port-O-let in Ludlow in front of a private residence near the Ohio River. The sign on it said, “No Trespissing!"

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 27 November 2020

Calling Dr. Laura

Dr. Laura dies of COVID-19 and then berates herself in the afterlife for not trying harder.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 21 November 2020

Death Becomes Them

I saw a Halloween display with a skeleton, with Death holding a scythe, and—next to them—a huge Trump/Pence sign, and thought, “Seems about right.”

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 19 October 2020

The Plot of Every Ghost Story I’ve Ever Seen

People live. People die. And then the latter, for reasons various and often inexplicable, spend an inordinate amount of time and energy bothering the former. Complications ensue.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 14 October 2020

Social Distancing

My wife and I found the perfect way to social distance: Walk in graveyards. It puts six feet between you and everybody else, and it’s highly motivating.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 March 2020

The Red Clusterfuck

(With apologies to W. C. Williams)

Too much depends
upon

some white hicks
in Iowa

with glazed
over eyes

besides the white
chickens.



written by Matt Birkenhauer, 16 February 2020

Skip Recap

My good friend, Skip Recap, is going to change his name.

He says he feels like he’s missing out on too much.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 October 2019

"I'm still thinking . . . ."

Call me paranoid, and maybe I’ve read too much sci fi over the years, but when I make a request for Siri, and she responds with “Wait a minute. I’m still thinking . . . ," I get worried.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 October 2019

Bedtime Conundrum

Spent the whole day prepping for my colonoscopy.

Now I can’t decide whether to brush my ass or my teeth.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 08 August 2019

"Lived Experience"

I heard still another person (on NPR) talk about his “lived experience.”

What an odd qualifier. What’s the opposite of “lived experience”? Decomposition?

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 14 June 2019

The Last Word

What’s wrong?

Death got your tongue?

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 01 June 2019

In Praise of Cussing

I’ve never understood the commandment about using the Lord’s name in vain.

Every time I say “Godamit!”, I’d like to think I’m putting it to good use.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 16 April 2019

Labels

Politician labels himself as politician who doesn’t like labels.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 21 March 2019

BREAKING NEWS

Trump says Attila the Hun assured him he had no idea there was a massacre(s).

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 01 March 2019

Persistence

Headline on my ISP: “Boeheim to coach Syracuse vs. No. 1 Duke after fatal crash.”

That’s what I call persistence.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 February 2019

Churchill on Trump

A while back, Winston Churchill captured in words Donald Trump and his ilk: “A man is about as big as the things that make him angry.”

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 27 December 2018

Senior Discount

The nice thing about being over 60 is that you can walk your dog essentially in your pajamas and nobody bats an eye.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 15 December 2018

BREAKING NEWS!

Man In a Really Dark Place Finally Figures Out How to Use the Flashlight on His Cellphone.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 12 December 2018


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