Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Jeremy Paxman.

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Tim Westwood orders Chinese Food

Reports are emerging that Tim Westwood tried to order a Tupac Shakur, some Wu Tang Clan and Salt N Peppa's spare ribs according to a confused Chinaman.

written by Jeremy Paxman, 05 December 2010

Halifax Bank Losing Billions Thanks to Daft Radio Idea

You've seen the adverts and it's why Halifax Bank have lost billions during 2010. They're seemingly too busy trying to run a dull radio station using middle class idiots in suits than running a bank.

written by Jeremy Paxman, 26 August 2010

Cameron's Baby "Florence" Named After "Florence and the Machine"

David & Samantha Cameron have confirmed they named their latest offspring after their favourite group; Florence & the Machine. "We were shagging to FATM when we conceived so it was a natural choice"

written by Jeremy Paxman, 26 August 2010

Tiger Woods to Lose Half His Ethnicity in Divorce Settlement

In addition to a $750m divorce settlement; Tiger Woods has confirmed he will also have to give up 1/2 of his ethnicity to his former wife. Whether that's the black or asian side - we're not yet sure

written by Jeremy Paxman, 24 August 2010

Gary Neville Begs Joey Barton NOT to shave his moustache

Gary Neville today issued a heartfelt plea to Joey Barton to NOT shave off his moustache. Neville stated "it's a tragedy; I've never been able to grow a manly one like his myself so he should keep it"

written by Jeremy Paxman, 23 August 2010

Startling Wayne Rooney Admission: "I'm homophobic"

Rooney staggered millions of gay Manchester United fans today (basically, all Man Utd fans) by telling a popular women's magazine "I'm terrified of me own home, I have to have the light on in bed"

written by Jeremy Paxman, 23 August 2010

Richard Ramirez to Have Pioneering Face Transplant

To avoid mock-sensitive members of some discussion forums taking offence even at The Night Stalkers image; Ramirez is getting a face transplant. As of July, he will be depicted as a cute little bunny.

written by Jeremy Paxman, 02 July 2010

Obama - I'll Bleach My Eyeballs

Following claims of hypocrisy for whining about the BP oil spill, President Obama today took full responsibility for the Bhopal chemical disaster and pledged to inject his eyes with bleach to atone

written by Jeremy Paxman, 29 June 2010

John Cleese: I Trained Fidel Castro

It's a little known fact that all South American National Anthems are based on the Monty Python theme tune thanks to John Cleese's and Terry Gilliam's early careers as insurgents alongside Che Guevera

written by Jeremy Paxman, 28 June 2010

Twin Pensioners Born

Mildred Clarice Joyce of Chipping Sodbury today gave birth to twin pensioners a staggering 65 years after getting pregnant to a de-mobbed solider at the end of WWII.

written by Jeremy Paxman, 28 June 2010

Rooney Breaks Down

Millions watch as Rooney breaks down in the six yard box over his over his inability to think outside the box. In fact, he has actually built a box within the box and is now refusing to come out.

written by Jeremy Paxman, 27 June 2010

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