Showing breaking news satire snippets written by C. Cranium.

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Danes find Grendel

A long lost grave on the Danish coast has been identified as Grendel. The specimen was over seven feet tall. A spearpoint is lodged in the skull with archaic markings 'Beowolf'.

written by C. Cranium, 01 February 2011

Which way to Nirvana?

You can't get there from here.

written by C. Cranium, 18 December 2010

Cure for common cold found

Dr. Curly Howard has announced a breakthrough in Common Cold Remedies. Per Dr. Howard, "Don't get one and you won't have one".

written by C. Cranium, 18 November 2010

Swedes Set Guinness Record

Stockholm, August 22, 2010. Four thousand three hundred and twelve nude Swedes picked their noses while standing on one foot to set new Guinness World Record.

written by C. Cranium, 22 August 2010

New movie box office smash 'Encryption'

Steve Carel plays engraver who puts secret messages on Bowling Trophies.

written by C. Cranium, 07 August 2010

Extreme Green -- wear shirt for seven days

Extreme Green Movement says: If you have 7 shirts and rotate them everyday you can go 7 weeks before laundry -- saving the environment and resources. Remember spaghetti stains are a badge of honor.

written by C. Cranium, 07 August 2010

General Motors goes to two processors

Just like Intel's dual processor GM plans on new RV with a V8 per axle. Mileage predictions are 12 MPG per V8, but since there are two V8s the mileages is advertised as 24 MPG.

written by C. Cranium, 07 August 2010

Bolt loses to Gay

Usain Bolt lost to Tyson Gay today. Pizza Hut & Heresy's large sponsors of Bolt claimed their products did not affect loss. Pizza Hut however will no longer provide Bolt w/ Pizza anytime anywhere.

written by C. Cranium, 07 August 2010

New Home Heating Product Debuted

The 'Petrol Pal' will heat a normal house. It looks like a fireplace insert or wood stove. The fuel is sand saturated with crude oil. Purchase fuel or harvest at a nearby oil polluted beach.

written by C. Cranium, 31 July 2010

Ain't No Cure for the Summertime Blues

Actually, there is a cure: 2 pts vodka, 1 pt gin, 1 pt whiskey (single malt if you've got it), 1 pt tequila, 1/8 tsp lime juice, and 1 medium ice cube. Mix and drain over ice cube. Chill. Enjoy.

written by C. Cranium, 31 July 2010

Reality is Real, Really

New Reality Show goes on site of Real Reality Shows and confirms realness, or exposes when it isn't real.

written by C. Cranium, 31 July 2010

Try the new Twinkies diet

The diet is easy. Day 1 -- all you can eat Twinkies, nothing else. Day 2 -- fast all day, unlimited water. Day 3 -- repeat 1. Day 4 through 7 -- fast, unlimited water. Guaranteed to lose 10#.

written by C. Cranium, 26 July 2010

Play Keno on your grocery receipt

Utah has added Grocery Store Keno to the State Lottery Games. The check out clerk asks if you would like a Keno ticket in amount of your change. Say yes, and you receive an automated Keno card.

written by C. Cranium, 26 July 2010

Goats as greens keepers

Hellyard Golf Course, Milk River, Alberta. The pros at Hellyard have fired their greens keeper, actually he's at college, and now have a goat grazing and fertilizing the greens/tees process.

written by C. Cranium, 26 July 2010

Gold discovered in mouth

Do you have gold filings? At a thousand $$ per ounce you may be brushing a Bahamas holiday.

written by C. Cranium, 25 July 2010

Aliens Prefer Pizza

While shooting a scene for the next Star Trek, The Spock Uhura Tragedy, Pine and Quinto were out voted by four hundred Romulan extras who wanted pizza over Thai.

written by C. Cranium, 31 May 2010

House cats always want to be on the other side of door

Scientists studied to determine if cats really wanted to be on the other side of the door. The study had two identical environments with glass door. They still wanted to be on other side.

written by C. Cranium, 30 May 2010

Cougar saves songbirds

Boris the cat was notorious for eating endangered song birds. An unnamed wild cougar, missing songbird songs, resolved the problem by eating Boris.

written by C. Cranium, 30 May 2010

I just flew in from Newark

Henny Youngman we remember you, and boy are our arms tired. Happy Birthday Henny, 104 years old -- actually dead and gone.

written by C. Cranium, 30 May 2010

Finally Boston in NBA Finals

Sports for Girls:
Boston won.

written by C. Cranium, 29 May 2010

At Last Orlando Not in NBA Finals

Sports for girls:
Orlando out.

written by C. Cranium, 29 May 2010

Worldcup to have new ad friendly balls

Advertising dollars are pouring in for the privilege of having ads on footballs. As balls fly around the field, close-ups of the ball will have virtual advertising like, 'Time for a Guinness'.

written by C. Cranium, 23 May 2010

Lonesome Glove

One hand was warm and dexterous while the other was bare, cold and stiff. One glove was free in the wind while the other was bothered by fever and painful stretch.

written by C. Cranium, 13 May 2010

Guru goes five years without breathing.

Ghengis Raj Singh, 63 of Prajec Probli, Kerla, claims that his skin absorbs oxygen rather than breathing. Scientists are doubting the claim and note that Ghengis eats lots of oxygen rich food.

written by C. Cranium, 11 May 2010

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