Showing breaking news satire snippets written by SirBeavis.

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Nike to liquidate and cease all operations

Nike has announced it will cease all operations (including Converse & Hurley), effectively closing forever, after de facto CEO Colin Rand Kaepernick points out 19th century plantation owners wore shoes.

written by SirBeavis, 06 July 2019

Kerry calls global warming skeptics "Flat Earthers"

Sec of State calls man made global warming doubters "Flat Earthers". Claims 97% of scientist can't be wrong on man made warming, ignoring the fact 100% of scientist once thought the earth was flat.

written by SirBeavis, 21 February 2014

DOJ charges X-soldier with using MWD's against Assad for using the same weapons the US military uses

DOJ to charge an ex-soldier who fought against Assad w/ using WMD's. He used a handheld rocket (RPG) against the Assad regime. Funny, the US still uses handheld rockets (AT4's) in Iraq and Afghanistan

written by SirBeavis, 02 April 2013

Cook County Imposes a "Gun" tax and other"Rights Taxes"

Cook County's $25 gun tax, to curb taxpayer expenses, kicks in Monday, along with a $50 speech tax, $50 4th Amendment privacy tax, a $50 5th Amendment/Miranda rights tax also to curb taxpayer expenses

written by SirBeavis, 02 April 2013

Teleprompters Out, Polygraphs In.

Congress announced a bill passed replacing Presidential teleprompters with polygraph machines. The Whitehouse subsequently announced it has cancelled all press conferences for the rest of Obamas term

written by SirBeavis, 04 March 2011

Four Americans Executed By Pirates, Obama Vows To Fight Piracy

After the deaths of 4 Americans, Obama vows to fight piracy with tougher copyright enforcement. Questions about what this has to do with the killings by Somali Pirates were answered with blank stares.

written by SirBeavis, 25 February 2011

Artist Builds Rainbow-Making Machine

An artist and assistant professor at Virginia Commonwealth University, has created a machine to create rainbows. Why is this in the news? Most kids do this with a garden hose during the summmer.

written by SirBeavis, 25 February 2011

Obama Takes Orders From King Of Saudi Arabia

B Hussien Obama, who bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia now takes orders from the King. In a phone call the King told Obama not to humiliate Mubarak or pressure him to leave office. Obama did as told.

written by SirBeavis, 10 February 2011

Napolitano: Terror Threat Even in Common Everyday Items.

Announces that rather than stop terrorists, DHS will require background checks & registration of common items that could be used as weapons such as pencils, scissors, wooden kitchen spoons and lint.

written by SirBeavis, 06 January 2011

Portland bomber a innocent guy who "wasn't that radical"; Oregonians wouldn't have been that dead.

Friends of Portland bomber Mohamed Osman Mohamud defend him by telling police "He wasn't that radical" as opposed to "not radical at all." WTF? Exactly how much radical is to radical?

written by SirBeavis, 30 November 2010

New Invasive Airport Security Works

TSA declares itself victorious. A week after pat downs that violate Terry Vs Ohio, 100% of US airlines have gone out of business as people quit flying, TSA says "See, terrorists can't fly now either."

written by SirBeavis, 22 November 2010

Administration says: There is no inflation.

Feds claim there is no inflation after monetizing US debt. The new way of calculating inflation no longer considers food or energy into the equation, that way they're not lying and we're still broke.

written by SirBeavis, 22 November 2010

Obama administration meets Iraq troop removal deadline.

The administration declared all combat troops have been removed from Iraq via language control. Combat terms such as "Striker Brigade" and "25th ID" have been replaced with advise and assist brigade.

written by SirBeavis, 24 August 2010

Congress and the Feds target Roger Clemmons in steroid probe.

Thank God the USAs economic, border, national security, unemployment, crime, tax & infrastructure issues are solved. Now Congress can focus on something more important like prosecuting Roger Clemmons.

written by SirBeavis, 21 August 2010

Republican National Committee Announces Strategy For November Mid-Term Elections Part 2.

RNC Chairman Michael Steele unveiled part two of the RNCs election strategy: Fire Nancy Pelosi, retire Harry Reid. Good Idea, but what's the plan moron? I.e. How do you get to this desired outcome?

written by SirBeavis, 06 August 2010

Congress wants to regulate chewing tobacco out of Major League Baseball.

Thank God the USA's economic, border, national security, unemployment, crime, tax and infrastructure issues are solved. Now Congress can focus on something more important like MLB players tobacco use!

written by SirBeavis, 06 August 2010

Republican National Committee Announces Strategy For November Mid-Term Elections

The RNC will impliment the same strategy that failed them time and again during elections: Presenting themselves as "Democrat Lite", ignoring the base and adding mocking the tea parties. Idiots!

written by SirBeavis, 05 August 2010

Court Overturns Offshore Drilling Ban For A Second Time

Courts again tell the government they overstepped their authority by shutting down drilling and killing oil jobs. Government gets pissy: "Obama was elected king and can do whatever he wants."

written by SirBeavis, 09 July 2010

Judge Sends Lohan To Jail.

Lindsay's PR firm releases following statement: Mrs Lohan is looking forward to serving her sentence, and hopes to enjoy all the lesbian sex she will be having when attacked in the showers.

written by SirBeavis, 08 July 2010

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele Proves His Stupidity

Steele criticizes Obama by stating the war in Afghanistan is "a war of Obama's choosing." Conveniently forgetting the US was attacked on Sept 11 2001 and that we've been at war since then. Idiot.

written by SirBeavis, 03 July 2010

KKK Membership OK Says Bill Clinton

Clinton says it's OK for the late Sen Bryd (D) to have joined the KKK because "He was trying to get elected." KKK expects membership to swell with democrats expecting to be elected to national office.

written by SirBeavis, 03 July 2010

Obamas "White Tax" In Full Effect

The 10% national tax on tanning bed use targets pale white folk, and is expected to fund the health care bill. No word how it will be funded when white people figure out they can suntan for free.

written by SirBeavis, 02 July 2010

Supreme Court Rules A Right Applies To All Citizens

SCOTUS ruled the Second Amendment applies to all citizens just like the every other Amendment in the US Constitution. People who have never read the constitution are surprised.

written by SirBeavis, 30 June 2010

Fat Rapist Says Confession Coerced With Potato Chips

No Joke, I can't make this up. Bruce Tuck, the confessed serial rapist says his confession was coerced with food. Really? How low do you have to fall for you to confess because of potato crisps?

written by SirBeavis, 27 June 2010

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