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Thurston Howell V to recreate voyage of the S S Minnow.

Explorer Thurston Howell V and grandson of Thurston Howell III will retrace the fateful voyage of the SS Minnow. Howell plans to also chart the exact location of Gilligan's Island.

written by anchochilly, 22 September 2009

In a show of bipartisanship, President Obama agrees to burning crosses on White House lawn.

In his latest attempt to mitigate years of partisan acrimony, President Obama today agreed to Republican requests to display burning crosses on the north lawn of the White House.

written by anchochilly, 18 September 2009

POW/MIA Recognition Day cancelled due to lack of POW/MIA participation.

After months of preparations for POW/MIA Recognition Day, organizers were forced to cancel the event this week after no POW/MIA's made a commitment to attend.

written by anchochilly, 18 September 2009

New reality show "The Biggest Asshole" will feature Kayne West, Dick Cheney.

New reality TV show, The Biggest Asshole, will feature Kayne West and Dick Cheney as 2 of their first contestants. Other assholes considered are Barry Bonds and a Macy's cosmetic counter manager.

written by anchochilly, 17 September 2009

Ass hattery security guard trampled by frenzied tea baggers.

A security guard at a Washington DC AssHats "R" You, is in serious condition after being trampled this weekend by tea baggers seeking 3 for 1 "door buster" deals on ass hats.

written by anchochilly, 15 September 2009

Man sues Michael Jackson estate after discovering love is not as "easy as 1-2-3."

A divorced Iowa man filed a suit against
the Michael Jackson Estate in U.S. District Court charging that Jackson violated the False Claims Act by asserting that love was as easy as ABC or 1-2-3.

written by anchochilly, 14 September 2009

Price of hillbilly heroin out of reach for most hillbillies.

The price of hillbilly heroin has become too expensive for most hillbillies. According to a DEA report using the latest census data, only 1 of every 19,583 hillbillies can afford the drug.

written by anchochilly, 13 September 2009

Tea Baggers to change their moniker to the "Golden Showers"

Sensing a disconnect with the American public, Tea Party activists will no longer refer to themselves as "tea baggers" and will instead refer to themselves as "golden showers."

written by anchochilly, 13 September 2009

Rep. Joe "Tourette" Wilson calls Obama a liar during address to joint session.

Joe "Tourette" Wilson abruptly shouted "He's lying!" while President Obama addressed Congress Wed. evening. Aides say his outburst was due to his acute dumbfuckedness.

written by anchochilly, 10 September 2009

Rep. Joe "Tourette" Wilson calls Obama a liar.

Joe "Tourette" Wilson shouted "He's Lying!" during Obama's address to a joint session of Congress Wed. evening. Aides say Rep. Wilson was simply watching an episode of "Lie to Me" on his Blackberry.

written by anchochilly, 10 September 2009

Wanting to spend more time with family, Texas offers letter of secession

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas announced today that Texas will secede from the US in order to spend more time with it's family. There was no immediate word as to who would replace Texas as the 50th state.

written by anchochilly, 10 September 2009

Glenn Beck reads Obama's speech to students backwards, finds hidden meanings.

After reading President Obama's speech to students backwards, Glenn Beck has found "hidden meanings designed to indoctrinate kids in the ways and customs of the Kikuyu tribe of Kenya."

written by anchochilly, 07 September 2009

Tom DeLay to wear assless chaps on Dancing With the Stars.

It has been confirmed that former Republican Majority Leader Tom DeLay will wear assless chaps while kicking up his heels to "YMCA" on the first show of the new season of "Dancing With the Stars."

written by anchochilly, 03 September 2009

Rehab and detox clinics overwhelmed as Gmail crashes.

Millions of people who use Gmail entered rehab programs the past 24 hours seeking relief from withdrawls after being without the highly addictive e-mail service for a few hours yesterday and today.

written by anchochilly, 02 September 2009

Minnesota man investigated for poaching eggs.

Acting on a tip, the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources raided the home of a man suspected of poaching eggs.
Said the man, "I'm basting my yolks and the next thing I know I'm in handcuffs."

written by anchochilly, 30 August 2009

Jam or jelly decision too much for Wisconsin grandma.

A Wisconsin grandmother was rushed to the emergency room yesterday after she was found slumped in a corner repeatedly mumbling "Should I make jelly or jam...jam or jelly?"

written by anchochilly, 29 August 2009

ObamaCare to mandate "post death" counseling based on Tibetan Book of the Dead.

Conservatives were outraged when they learned of a provision in ObamaCare that will mandate post death counseling based on the ancient Tibetan Book of the Dead.

written by anchochilly, 29 August 2009

ObamaCare will require irradiation of all newborns

In a move designed to reduce long term Medicare costs, ObamaCare will mandate the irradiation of all newborns in order to extend their shelf life.

written by anchochilly, 28 August 2009

Sen. Ted Kennedy's motorcade ends up in Atlantic City after making wrong turn.

BOSTON - On it's way from Sen. Kennedy's Cape Cod home,the motorcade carrying Sen Kennedy's body made a wrong turn and ended up at the Showboat Casino in Atlantic City, NJ.

written by anchochilly, 27 August 2009

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