Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Simon Saunders.

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David Beckham could still compete at Olympics

Old "Golden Balls" is considering an offer to be part of GB's syncronised swimming team.

According to an insider he is training hard and has already ditched his armbands

written by Simon Saunders, 29 June 2012

Barclay's Bank CEO to pay FSA fine out of his own pocket

Bob Diamond will stump up the whole £290 million himself.

He's a little bit short of the full amount but intends to sell his surname to cover the rest.

He'll now be known as just Bob.

written by Simon Saunders, 28 June 2012

Barclay's Bob is not a diamond geezer

Barclay's CEO, Bob "100 Carat" Diamond, is facing calls to quit after his bank was caught trying to fiddle inter-bank interest rates.

Poor fella gave up his bonus as well.

Whip round anyone?

written by Simon Saunders, 28 June 2012

Tony Blair keen on being Prime Minister again but acknowledges it's unlikely

Mr Blair is rumoured to have met with Peter Mandelson and Alistair (You Spin Me Right Round Baby) Campbell to discuss returning.

They plan on rebranding the party as Even Newer Old New Labour.

written by Simon Saunders, 28 June 2012

1,500 litres of milk spilt on West Lothian motorway

The incident happened after a lorry overtuned following a crash with a van.

A man was taken to St. John's hospital in Livingston suffering from a pointless bout of crying.

written by Simon Saunders, 25 June 2012

Martin McGuinness to shake hands with the Queen

Sinn Fein have denied rumours that Mr McGuinness is planning on wearing an electric shock hand buzzer as a way of giving the Queen an amusing little fright.

written by Simon Saunders, 23 June 2012

Jimmy Carr and David Cameron to form comedy double act

They'll call themselves JC/DC and embark on a national tour (plus two shows in Jersey) later this year.

Critics reckon Cameron can give Carr a run for his money when it comes to amusing the nation.

written by Simon Saunders, 21 June 2012

Steve McClaren supports England tactics at Euro 2012

He reckons England can win a tournament playing this way.

Expect a complete overhaul of England's tactics very soon after McClaren's endorsement.

written by Simon Saunders, 15 June 2012

Redknapp to leave Spurs once severance package is agreed

It is believed he'll get a £3 million pay off after contract talks collapsed.

Coincedently, his dog Rosie has made an appointment at her Monaco bank to discuss a large deposit she wants to make.

written by Simon Saunders, 14 June 2012

Madonna Appeals For World Peace

Her new world tour kicked off in Israel in front of 30,000 fans.

Madonna declared, "If there is peace in the Middle East, there can be peace in the whole world."

Problem solved.

written by Simon Saunders, 02 June 2012

Rangers' Ticketus deal goes Tittus Uppus

The clubs administrators will terminate their contract over future season ticket sales.

Ticketus are owed around £27 million by Craig Whyte.

Good luck recovering the money.

written by Simon Saunders, 18 May 2012

Founding editor of Ceefax dies aged 85

For more details go to Ceefax page 120.

Then wait for ten minutes while you go through all the other stories on that page before getting to the one you want.

written by Simon Saunders, 18 May 2012

David Cameron praises UK music, calling it a "world leader"

Music industry experts have already predicted that album sales will plummet next year after the Prime Ministers ringing endorsement.

Good work Sir.

Well done.

written by Simon Saunders, 15 May 2012

New French President due to be sworn in today

After defeating Nicolas Sarkozy, Francois Holland will be sworn in at an inauguration ceremony at Elysee Palace later today.

Apparently, Sarkozy will be doing most of the swearing.

written by Simon Saunders, 15 May 2012

Alex Jones to front 'The One Show' spin off

The Welsh presenter has been such a massive hit she will no longer co-present the BBC's crown jewels of programming.

We understand the spin off will be called 'The One Show That No-ones Watching'.

written by Simon Saunders, 15 May 2012

Joey 'The calmest man alive' Barton charged with two counts of violent conduct by the FA

He faces a possible ten game ban if he's found guilty of both charges.

Rumours he will be forced to wear a muzzle during his hearing are untrue.

He will actually be in a reinforced steel cage.

written by Simon Saunders, 15 May 2012

Aston Villa give Alex McLeish the boot

After a very poor season, 'Big Eck' as he's known, has unsurprisingly been shown the door.

At his next club his new nickname will be 'Oh Eck'.

written by Simon Saunders, 15 May 2012

Lille's star midfielder admits he will be playing in Manchester next season

In an interview after receiving the French Ligue 1 Players' Player of the year award, Belgian maestro Eden Hazard said he's coming to Manchester.

City? United? No. My money is on Stockport County.

written by Simon Saunders, 15 May 2012

Rebekah Brooks gives evidence to the Leveson Inquiry

According to the red headed former red top editor Prime Minister David Cameron thought that LOL meant "Lots of love."

I wonder if he knows what FFS means.

written by Simon Saunders, 11 May 2012

Queen's Speech Descends Into Farce

Whilst reading the governments plans for the next parliament the Queen paused halfway through, screwed up her face and declared, "Bollocks to it. From now on you'll all do as I say."

God bless her.

written by Simon Saunders, 09 May 2012

Scientists Reckon Dinosaurs Caused Climate Change

According to research by UK scientists, Dinosaurs produced 520 million tonnes of flatulence a year.

No wonder they're extinct. Imagine the pong.

Apparently the Fartosaurus was the worst culprit.

written by Simon Saunders, 07 May 2012

Man Cleared Of Murder

The Judge at the High Court in Glasgow decided there was insufficient evidence to convict the man of murdering gangland figure Kevin "The Gerbil" Carroll.

Roland the rat is said to be very upset.

written by Simon Saunders, 05 May 2012

Arrest Warrant Issued For Ear Bite Man

A man from Tranent, East Lothian, had his ear bitten off after a disturbance at the Whispers Lounge Bar in the town.

He will now be drinking in rival bar, Shouters, just down the road.

written by Simon Saunders, 05 May 2012

Documents Reveal Osama Bin Laden Was "Frustrated At The End'

That sounds like the understatement of the decade.


I bet he was bloody furious when the US Navy Seals stormed his compound and shot him to pieces.

written by Simon Saunders, 04 May 2012

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