Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Mark Garrison.

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Santorum Says He Likes His Coffee "Blah"

At a recent campaign stop, GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum ordered a cup of "blah" coffee. Asked if he always orders his coffee that way, Santorum said he sometimes adds a little bullshit.

written by Mark Garrison, 06 January 2012

Bachmann Tells Those in 'Earthquake Irene's Path' to 'Stop, Drop, and Roll'

Michele Bachmann was apparently confused about recent events when she advised "people living on the West Coast" to "stop, drop, and roll away from Earthquake Irene."

written by Mark Garrison, 27 August 2011

In Strongest Move Yet, Obama Unfriends Gadhafi on Facebook

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a move sure to anger Gadhafi, U.S. President Barack Obama has deleted the Libyan dictator from his Facebook friends list.

written by Mark Garrison, 23 February 2011

Michele Bachmann Says the Grand Canyon Was Carved by George Washington

Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann stated at a fundraiser today that the Grand Canyon was hand carved by George Washington on Christmas in 1972 using the beak of a bald eagle.

written by Mark Garrison, 27 January 2011

Michele Bachmann Says Dinosaurs "Were Just Really Big Dogs"

Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann stated at a political rally that she believes dinosaurs, in addition to being placed here by satan to distract humans, were in fact just "enormous canines."

written by Mark Garrison, 26 January 2011

Republican Lawmakers Demand Oil Covered Birds in Gulf be Processed Into Fuel

Calling it a "potentially missed opportunity," Republican lawmakers have demanded that all oil covered birds affected by the BP spill be immediately ground into usable fuels.

written by Mark Garrison, 28 May 2010

Arizona Bans Chocolate Citing 'Extreme Brownness'

In a 28-0 vote, the Arizona Senate banned chocolate on the basis of it being "dangerously brown." Lawmakers were quick to point out that white chocolate will not be affected by this new law.

written by Mark Garrison, 27 May 2010

Feds Ban All Vampire Movies Citing 'Extreme Crap' Law

A little known federal law banning really crappy films from being watched is finally being enforced by the federal government. "Too little, too late" says one husband.

written by Mark Garrison, 05 March 2010

Voting Error Accidentally Eliminates All American Idol Contestants, No One Complains

In the first voting error in American Idol history, somehow all present contestants were eliminated. However, as of the time of publication, not one person has complained.

written by Mark Garrison, 05 March 2010

Feds Recall All Vehicles Due to Idiot Driver Risk

The federal government announced it is recalling all vehicles currently on the road due to the risk that they are being operated by idiots.

written by Mark Garrison, 05 March 2010

Balloon Pops in Baghdad, 82 Die From Heart Attack

82 people died from heart attacks when a balloon accidentally popped at a child's birthday party in Baghdad. Police arrested the boy and charged him with 'failure to maintain an inflatable object.'

written by Mark Garrison, 05 March 2010

Regular Person Involved in Traffic Accident, No One Concerned

The media had arrived to cover the accident after being told that there might have been a famous person involved. Once the media saw that it was a regular guy dangling out of the vehicle, they left.

written by Mark Garrison, 04 March 2010

Hybrid Toyota Powered by Baby Seals Causing Controversy

A new Toyota hybrid powered by baby seal meat and painted with bald eagle blood is causing more controversy for the troubled Toyota brand.

written by Mark Garrison, 04 March 2010

Guns to be Replaced by Flower Shooting Slingshots

Upon hearing the news that the bill had passed, former NRA president Charlton Heston reportedly rose from the dead, burned his flower garden, and threw a grenade at his neighbor's house.

written by Mark Garrison, 03 March 2010

Government Plans to Announce New 'Cash for Caulk' Home Improvement Program

A new Government program will ensure that all Americans have enough money for home improvement projects. The President seemed confused when the room erupted in laughter upon his announcement.

written by Mark Garrison, 03 March 2010

Tiger Woods Said to Suffer From First Case of 'Selective Sex Addiction'

Thanks to Tiger Woods, health experts today announced the discovery of a new type of sex addiction where the addict only has sex with amazingly gorgeous women with really large breasts.

written by Mark Garrison, 03 March 2010

Weed Killer Castrates Frogs, Wives Flock to Home Depot

After a recent report that a popular weed killer has been somehow castrating frogs, Home Depot stock has soared thanks to countless sales of weed killer to wives the world over.

written by Mark Garrison, 03 March 2010

Killer Whale Voted Most Accurate Animal Name Ever

Killer Whales recently topped a poll for the most accurate animal name ever. Killer Whales were said to celebrate the news by killing a bunch of stuff.

written by Mark Garrison, 03 March 2010

United States For Sale Online

The United States Government today announced plans to sell the entire country on a popular internet classifieds site. The sale is said to include all property, living beings, and freedom.

written by Mark Garrison, 24 September 2008

New "Bitch Pink" Lipstick Color Inspired by Sarah Palin

The Maybelline makeup company announced the launch of a new lipstick color to honor Gov. Sarah Palin. The new color, which is called "Bitch Pink," is set to hit store shelves next week.

written by Mark Garrison, 13 September 2008

Palin Declares War on Mother Nature

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin today announced that she has declared all out war on mother nature in response to Hurricane Ike.

written by Mark Garrison, 13 September 2008

Palin Says She'll Put White House on eBay

Gov. Sarah Palin has announced that if her and McCain win in November, she will put the White House on eBay. "Who needs such an extravagent house?" asked Palin.

written by Mark Garrison, 11 September 2008

Palin Admits to Affair with Moose

Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin today admitted that she had a five year long affair with an Alaskan moose named Bucky. Palin ended the affair after being vetted by McCain.

written by Mark Garrison, 11 September 2008

Obama and McCain Make Out at WTC Site

In what's being called the ultimate show of unity, Presidential candidates Obama and McCain made out at the WTC site in New York city. McCain said Obama's lips "tasted like freedom."

written by Mark Garrison, 11 September 2008

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