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Spoof stories written by p.doff

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Funny story: Lady Steals Frozen Chickens

Lady Steals Frozen Chickens

A compulsive shoplifter was admitted to hospital in Margate today suffering from hypothermia. Gladys McGurgle of Conker Road was accused of theft from Tesco on Saturday. Police said that in addition to several other items, Mrs McGurgle had taken...

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Funny story: Useless Gifts 9 : Black Velvet Pictures Of Elvis & Jesus

Useless Gifts 9 : Black Velvet Pictures Of Elvis & Jesus

A lot of people out there have no taste. It's why Primark sells size 47 spandex pants. It's why the guy that invented tansit van desert landscape airbrush paintings lives on a sugar plantation in Mexico on top of a gold mine and sleeps on a mattress made of naked hot girls. And it's also why there will always be artists that work exclusively in the medium of black velvet. Because some stupid a...

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Funny story: Going Green

Going Green

The next person that says or writes "think green" or "go green" is getting a swift kick in the ass from me. I mean really, if you didn't give a shit about "going green" six months ago, why the fuck do you care now? Oh, that's right, because it's the hip thing to do now. "Look at me, I'm going green! Look at my company, we're going green! We now have - wait for it, wait for it - a fucking...

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Funny story: Useless Gifts 8 : Name A Star After Someone

Useless Gifts 8 : Name A Star After Someone

This is pretty much the same thing as the "Plant a Tree" gift. Equally thoughtless and pointless, anyone that gets a star named after them as a gift will resent you. How is this a good gift? As if anyone who gets a star named after them will look at the sky every night for a few hours, finally find their star, and then say, "Hey! There's me!" The site has several different kinds of packages,...

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Funny story: Useless Gifts 7 : The Electric Chair

Useless Gifts 7 : The Electric Chair

That's right; you can buy an electric chair. And at only just above £800, no less! What better way to tell someone you hate them and want them to die than by getting them their own fully-operational electric chair? The website for this chair reads, "It's not a model or toy, mind you... This is a real piece of furniture carefully built by some very skilled (and very strange) craftsmen. You and...

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Funny story: Useless Gifts 6 : The Can Crusher

Useless Gifts 6 : The Can Crusher

Honey? I need a favour... You drink a lot of lager and cans of cider. I got a letter from the council saying that if we didn't start crushing of those cans when we put out the recycle stuff they would turn our property into the newest landfill area and possibly set our house on fire with burning garbage. But, you see, the problem is that I have a lot of trouble stamping on a can to make it f...

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Funny story: Useless Gifts 5 : Plant A Tree For Someone

Useless Gifts 5 : Plant A Tree For Someone

Okay, this is just a complete bullshit gift. Anyone who gives you the magical fairy-tale gift of a tree being planted didn't really get you anything because they're cheap. The website would like you to believe that, "It's caring, thoughtful, new and different! It's environmentally safe and Easy to Order Everyone will love it! It's a unique way to say... Happy Christmas!" It's unique, all righ...

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Funny story: Useless Gifts 4 : 9 Volt Battery

Useless Gifts 4 : 9 Volt Battery

In theory, this isn't really a gift but a part of another gift that needs these batteries to dance and shout obnoxious catch phrases, but I'm pretty sure that somewhere, someone bought a pack of 9V batteries for their kid's present and that's all the poor little bastard is getting because eToys recommends this "gift" for 8-year-olds. And that is sad. Here's a list of things to do with a battery...

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Funny story: Useless Gifts 3 : The Barbie Laptop For Kids

Useless Gifts 3 : The Barbie Laptop For Kids

The website says this about Barbie's Laptop: "With this Barbie laptop, children get tutored by Barbie in essential first and second stage skills." Yeah, I think that's because that's as far as the stupid bitch got. Tell me, when someone mentions the phrase "intelligent toy," does Barbie even pretend to cross your mind before you get bored and stop caring? Of course not. Having Barbie teach l...

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Funny story: Useless Gifts 2 : The Labelmaker

Useless Gifts 2 : The Labelmaker

I can't imagine ever having a pressing need for labels on everything. I admit I did have a mini label maker once, and it was fun making a label that said, "PENIS," or, "INSERT COCK HERE," and putting them on my friends' faces when they passed out, and for a while my old TV remote commanded everyone who picked it up to "SMOKE POT AND WORSHIP SATAN," but I've never really needed to label anyth...

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Funny story: Big Ben Goes Digital

Big Ben Goes Digital

A controversial plan to turn Big Ben digital has been unveiled by the Ministry For Putting Things On Top Of Other Things. Under the crackpot scheme,all of Big Bens four faces would be replaced with large LCD panels which would display the time in...

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Funny story: Useless Gifts 1 : The Clapper

Useless Gifts 1 : The Clapper

Nothing says, "I wish you'd get trampled by a parade of gorillas" like giving someone a clapper. There's only a few reasons someone of reasonable intelligence would buy someone a clapper: - The person you're getting it for is too old to flip a light switch and you want to rub it in - The person you're getting it for is too paralyzed to flip a light switch and you want to rub it in -...

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Funny story: Divorce - An Awesome Gift

Divorce - An Awesome Gift

Tired of seeing his face every day first thing in the morning? Tired of hearing her nag and scream in a shrill voice every time she catches you masturbating into her sock drawer to pictures of Paris Hilton? Is every waking moment for each of you pure torture? Do you fantasize about flipping out and smothering your partner in his/her sleep because you just can't take any more of his/...

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Funny story: Arrested For Calling His Dog

Arrested For Calling His Dog

A man was arrested today in Margate Kent after calling his dog in the local park. Mr W. Carrot, who was already down on his luck having just stepped in a steaming pile of dog poo while cleaning up his own pooch's mess, explained to our reporter:...

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Funny story: Dog Poop Breakthrough

Dog Poop Breakthrough

UK scientists are currently working on a dog food additive which will make their poo glow in the dark. The idea is to help shortsighted people and others to avoid the traumatic experience of stepping in it at night. In a random survey a Mr P.Goli...

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