We've all experienced that high-pitched whine at night - no, not the neighbour's frantic lovemaking, but something equally irritating at 4am. The sound of a well-fed mosquito. Every year, millions of humans are bitten by these bloodthirsty suckers...
With the imminent resignation of God from the position of....well, God, Deus-Elect Mustapha Kamir has thrown his flat cap into the ring, and produced a set of New Commandments. 1. Yorkshire Puddin' is to be eaten as t'first course, not just dumped on t'plate wi' main course. Y'can 'ave it wi' jam then. Tha Mam's Yorkshire Puddin' is the bestest, an' any folk 'oo say diff'rent can be clouted - e...
In a sensational move yesterday, God, omnipotent creator of all things bright and beautiful etc. etc. threw in the towel and resigned with immediate effect. "I've had it up to here", said a clearly upset God. "I thought I'd have had a lot more fun...
Residents of Kent were up in arms last night as the latest news on the proposed "Gateway to the South" installation art project became clear. In an attempt to compete with the rusty half-man-half-glider statue (situated just off the A1, somewhere...
Travis asked the question. Why does it always rain on me, they sang, in their plaintive Scottish lilt. Fair question. Why is it that it always seems to be pissing down with rain in Britain? Now, a research team of brainy boffins with nothing else...
Mustapha Karim, previously thought to be the world's unluckiest man, has begun his quest to bring peace to the war-torn Middle East in a somewhat undiplomatic fashion. Within 10 minutes of the start of the first of several planned summits between...
Who is Mustapha Kamir? That's the word on the lips of the world today, as Mr Kamir begins his new task - bringing peace to the Middle East. Although living in Cairo until today's shock appointment to the Obama Administration, Mustapha is actually...
Things reached boiling point in the continuing war of words between two of the world's leading microelectronics companies yesterday. Japan's giant Fuji Electronics Corporation have issued a writ against Fiji Microelectronics Corporation for "delib...
Is Mustapha Kamir of 23 Pyramid Terrace, Cairo the unluckiest man in the world? On the weekend, ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair postponed his ascendancy to Pontiff, electing instead to aid Gordon "one-eyed Scottish idiot" Brown and Barack Obama in th...
The recent world-wide spate of throwing ones shoe at a politician has worried security personnel from the halls of Whitehall to Tianeman Square and Capitol Hill. Whether protesting about the current state of affairs in Iraq, Tibet or Gaza, bunging...
Tony Blair has sensationally turned his back on his quest to become Pope, in order to return to public office within the Gordon Brown's beleaguered government. "The one-eyed Scottish idiot is making a real hash of things", smirked a jubilant Tony...
Once, we all believed the Earth was flat, and that sailing too far would result in us falling over the edge into space, or into the slavering jaws of a waiting kraken. In the sixteenth century, the Italian scientist, Galileo told an unbelieving w...
Having recently crashed his Ferrari into the wall of a tunnel close to Manchester Airport, Cristiano Ronaldo has confessed exactly what he was up to on the night of the crash. "I see on You Tube, muchos Ferraris, driving in tunnels in Europa, revv...
Football Armageddon - the final battle between the forces of good and evil draws near. Brian Clough, "the best manager England never had" has been sensationally appointed as manager of Heaven XI, by God, (Chairman) thereby ending months of specula...
For years, ordinary people have scoffed at seemingly crazed loonies as they gibber on about Planet Earth being ruled by an alien species of lizard, known as the Illuminati. Now, through a chance encounter, a relatively sane rent boy, currently of no fixed abode in the King's Cross area of central London, seems to corroborate the mentalist theory. Terry Towlin-Robe, previously educated at Har...
For the past three years, more than 70 million tiny tots from every Kindergarden, Playgroup and nursery across the world have been busily involved in one of the planet's largest art projects, jointly sponsored by the United Nations Educational Scient...
In a dramatic eleventh-hour, last-ditch final attempt to stimulate the world economy before being cast into the dustbin of history, George W Bush and Gordon Brown have put their considerable weight behind the latest Fijian proposal to get the world's...
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