Spoof stories written by Gurmeet Mattu

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Willie's Wisdom (1)

Willie's Wisdom - Let the Scottish Sage Solve All Your Problems Dear Willie, I have a small problem I was hoping you might be able to help me with. The thing is I have recently started going out with a very nice girl, but the thing is she's six foot two while I'm only five three and I'm afraid of heights. Yours, Tommy, Chicago Dear Tommy, I cannae see how that's a 'wee' problem.

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Wife Abducted By Aliens Says Husband

Funny story: Wife Abducted By Aliens Says Husband

Police have rejected the claims of a local man that his wife has been kidnapped by aliens. Mr. Colin 'Sparky' Johnson, a gas fitter, had told police that he had seen his wife disappearing down the road outside his house in Huddersfield, Yorkshire...

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Coward Invents Martial Art

Funny story: Coward Invents Martial Art

The world's biggest coward, Arthur Feartie, has invented a new martial art. The new form of self defence, called No Kan Do, is claimed to be superior to older, established eastern methods such as karate, judo and kung fu and western methods such as...

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Haggisburgers Are Coming

Funny story: Haggisburgers Are Coming

Glaswegian fast-food magnate, Ronnie MacDonald (no relation), has predicted that his latest culinary invention, the haggisburger, will revolutionise take-away eating throughout the world. "The haggisburger is coming," he declared proudly, "and wil...

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PM To Become Nudist

British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has announced his New Year's resolution to become a nudist. "The naturist lifestyle has always appealed to me personally," he explained, adding, "But it is also a green issue as, by wearing less clothes, I wil...

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Flasher Applies For Grant

Scots exhibitionist, Ron Kiltlifter, is trying to have his predilection defined as an artform so that he can be eligible for a grant from the Scottish Arts Council. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," said the 23 stone Glaswegian, "I enjoy exp...

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Porn Star Sues Producers

Porn star Lulu Slutbutt plans to sue producers of the 847 films she has made this year, claiming that they were negligent in their duty of care toward her. "They have ruined my asshole," she said, "I now have absolutely no control over my sphincte...

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Catholics Permit Masturbation

Funny story: Catholics Permit Masturbation

The Catholic Church has finally faced up to the problem of over-population by permitting its adherents to masturbate. They will, in the words of the Bible be allowed to 'spill their seed upon the ground', though they admit this could be messy and th...

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Obama Suggests Slavery

President-Elect Barack Obama is suggesting a return to slavery as a way out of the current economic downturn with millions threatened with unemployment. "History only give us a negative impression of the institution of slavery," he said at a recen...

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Sex Change Weekends Are Here

Funny story: Sex Change Weekends Are Here

Getting in touch with your feminine side could be a weekend thing with news that scientists at the Edinburgh Institute for the Sexually Confused have created a drug which allows temporary sex-changes. The drug works by suppressing the body's nat...

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Hitler's Moustache Found

Funny story: Hitler's Moustache Found

Hitler's moustache has been found in the city of Kiev. It is in the hands of Ukrainian Igor Abigun who inherited it from his grandfather who was serving with the Third Ukrainian Front of the Red Army when they swept into Berlin in 1945. "My grand...

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