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Spoof stories written by Rob Barratt

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Funny story: I didn’t pay my taxes?

I didn’t pay my taxes?

I didn’t pay my taxes? I didn’t pay my dues I didn’t sleep with hookers It’s really all fake news I didn’t cheat on spouses I didn’t collude with Russians My son-in-law certainly wasn’t involved In Moscow-based discussions I didn’t dodge…

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Funny story: Icke-onic Reptilian Shape-shifters from Outer Space

Icke-onic Reptilian Shape-shifters from Outer Space

Icke-onic Reptilian Shape-shifters from Outer Space I’m a shape-shifting reptilian As humanoid as you like I travelled here from outer space To track down David Icke I’ll drink your blood, I’ll eat your flesh Like the carnivore I am I’m pa…

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Funny story: The Power of Prayer

The Power of Prayer

The Power of Prayer The footballer stood and crossed his chest God was on his side He looked up to the heavens Where angels do abide He ran up to take the penalty Filled with religious pride He scuffed the ball, fell on his arse And kicked…

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Funny story: A Quick Hello On Popmaster

A Quick Hello On Popmaster

Well-played Robert. Shame you lost. Would you like to say a quick hello? Thanks, Ken. I’d like to say hello to my lovely wife Roxy and my wonderful family – Roxanne, Roxette, Rock Salmon, Rock Solid, Rock Steady, Rock Hudson, Rocky Marciano, Rocky…

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Funny story: Not The Answer

Not The Answer

Thanks, Nick. First, I’d like to say that we made this clear in our manifesto. Quite clear. In fact, so clear, you can see right through it. We said that we would look into the situation, from our point of view, and roll out a number of initiativ…

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Funny story: Me, Me, Me

Me, Me, Me

Me, Me, Me This is a short song and dance for all selfie-takers. It goes to the tune of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”. As you sing it, you have to pose around, taking imaginary selfies on your phone, and with a selfie-stick. Me, me, me, me, m...

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Funny story: Melania's Man-child

Melania's Man-child

I have just rewritten a Christmas calypso carol: Melania's Man-child Long time ago in Washington So the holy Twitter say There was a man-child, Donald Trump Who loved Independence Day Hark now hear his knee-jerk tweets And his childi...

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Funny story: Bloody Who?

Bloody Who?

Bloody Who? I was watching a daytime quiz show, I think ITV2 It was chock full of celebrities, none of whom I knew I didn’t know the TV stars or the smiley, smiley host 'Cos I’d never watched their reality shows that people love the most No, I...

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Funny story: Tribute Bands and Psychics (to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)

Tribute Bands and Psychics (to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)

Tribute Bands and Psychics (to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious) I went down to my local theatre just the other night The programme and the posters there, they gave me quite a fright For there was nothing else to see a-treading of the boards Except these acts which do attract the populace in hordes (Chorus) It’s… tribute bands, tribute bands, tribute bands and psychics Retr...

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Funny story: 2017 - With thanks to Billy Joel

2017 - With thanks to Billy Joel

Snap election, Britain votes New £1 coins, new £10 notes Robert Mugabe finally goes Mount Agung in Bali blows RyanAir, staff trouble Syria reduced to rubble Fats Domino, Chuck Berry Jeremy Corbyn, Glastonbury Fake news, tweets, sacking Torie...

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Funny story: Angler Merkel

Angler Merkel

Angler Merkel She keeps the European Union a float Though she has been known to rock the boat She's not likely to flounder as any Turk'll Tell you. That fisherwoman, Angler Merkel She brings wayward party members to eel She likes to mullet over when she does a deal She doesn't talk pollocks when she faces a hurdle Like a bream of light is Angler Merkel As Chancellor she haddock clea...

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Funny story: The Queen has a cold.

The Queen has a cold.

The News. December 21st 2016. The Queen, 90, has a cold and her Christmas visit to Sandringham has been delayed. Prince Philip, 95, has a cold and his Christmas visit to Sandringham has been delayed. Doris Hodgkins, 91, has a cold and will...

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Funny story: A call in the day of a telephone-survey guy

A call in the day of a telephone-survey guy

Hello Mr Barratt! This is Gavin from Surveysulike.web. Please could you spare us a few minutes of your very precious time (well, half-an-hour really) to take part in a survey about surveys? No need to swear Mr Barratt! Can I call you Robert? No, I can't call you "Winston effing Churchill", Mr Barratt. And how are you today? Suicidal, you say? That's great! Lovely weather, eh? Ah so it'...

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Funny story: The Emperor's New Academy

The Emperor's New Academy

"Boo-hoo", screamed the tantrum-prone emperor at his education secretary. "I want a new school that no other emperors have, even if there is no empirical evidence that it works. "Of course your majesticness", the emperor's education secretary grovell...

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Funny story: Elizabeth Waynes

Elizabeth Waynes

Fans of Queen Elizabeth took to Twitter today to celebrate her overtaking Wayne Rooney's England scoring record. As she has been on the throne for 63 years and Rooney is only 30 it is clear who has wayned the longest. The national anthem has been...

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Funny story: What kind of Facebook quizzer are you?

What kind of Facebook quizzer are you?

What kind of Facebook quizzer are you? Answer these simple questions to find out. 1. When you see a Facebook quiz to find out what kind of soap star, 1960s pop song, nineteenth century German philosopher or piece of bedroom furniture you are, do you... (a) Do it straight away and take it really seriously? (b) Do it straight away in an ironic way? (c) Skip it and write a facetious comment i...

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Funny story: Clarkson Heads in One Direction

Clarkson Heads in One Direction

Jeremy Clarkson wasted no time in finding a new job, hours after being sacked by the BBC, when he replaced Zayn Malik in One Direction. Unfortunately, Clarkson's pop career got off to a bad start when he verbally abused and head-butted the rest o...

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