An ornery can of tomato sauce has been granted a restraining order against a sadistic can opener who is constantly offing the heads of all of the can’s family and relatives. The 15 ounce can of tomato sauce, Larry Veryred has been living in fear…
President Joe Biden has announced that the US, in conjunction with Disney, will be sending lightsabers to Ukraine to help in their quest to oust the Russian forces from their country. The menacing weapons will be used by Ukrainian troops to stop bul…
A Canine, Minnesota man has claimed to be a dog in a man’s body. 52, year old Elmer Ruff, who is a dog trainer has refused to eat anything except for Alpo that is served in a dog bowl. When asked when he first realized that he was a dog Elmer rep…
Mars rover Redhead solved the greatest mystery on the planet when it unearthed the remains of former Teamster boss Jimmy Hoffa from underneath a rock on the planet Mars. The remains were in extremely good condition due to the Martian atmosphere being…
The city of Sleepington, Idaho, has been beset with social awakening because their street and building names are not woke compliant. Sleepington Mayor, Shelly Wanton, has established a mandate to review and change all building and street names which…
Like a pig who had his slop taken away from him, Pooch Delaware man Dewey Canine, lost his job because of a precarious incident that occurred two years after his inception into entering the world stage. In what was at the time considered to be a har…
Squad member Loquacious and quick-witted congresswoman, Cori Bush, has announced to the world that she will be beefing up her private security detail which she is currently spending over $375,000 for. The defund the police and empty all the prisons…
God and Allah one day decided to have a couple of beers together. They both were taking a sabbatical from smiting people and decided this would be a good way to bury the hatchet between religions. They were sitting on a cloud bank held up by a doze…
Convicted serial killer Danny Gun has initiated a law suit against Killing People Film Productions to create change in the way Hollywood casts its actors playing the roles of criminals. Mr. Gun, in his lawsuit, claims that he has been passed over f…
San Antonio man, Daniel Bobo, brought his emotional support animal to the San Antonio International Airport to give him solace on his trip to Hawaii on Sunday morning. The elephant is a full-grown, African bush elephant, being 10 feet tall and weigh…
Grand Rapids, Michigan man, Jerry Trigger, has been arrested and charged with 30 counts of first degree murder for shooting up a church. The Church, of the Hawaiian Flying Spaghetti Monster, has been devastated by this event because the 30 members o…
Paramus, New Jersey undercover police woman, Linda Wonton, is suing her own police department over proceeds she earned while doing undercover work as a prostitute. Wonton believes she earned the proceeds legitimately, and is in full right of keeping…
Independent Georgia man, Danny Unfettered, admitted that he is completely conflicted over which candidates he will vote for in January’s US senate run-off elections. He has found himself at the crossroads of trying to figure out which senate party h…
Lame rat president, Donald Trump, has vowed to continue living in the White House after President-elect Joe Biden’s inauguration. The affable Trump claims he has solid proof that the election was rigged. He claims that 1 million illegal Mallard duc…
Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, has announced election day poll workers will all be monkeys. The governor chose monkeys because of their reliability in handing out ballots to registered voters, due to their relatively small hands. Each polling plac…
A grumpy Minnesota man is concerned that a November 3 Joe Biden election victory will lead him to having to clean up his immensely cluttered lawn. Donald Crabby has been dumping his household trash all over his yard ever since Donald Trump won t…
A Grand Rapids, Michigan Doctor, Darren Strong, who is a diligent and compassionate practitioner has convinced his local drug addicts to allow him to inject anabolic steroids into their methamphetamine. He injected the steroids with a sledge hammer.
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