Spoof stories written by Christamar Varicella

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At Charlotte Speedway Cars Drive Fast in Circles

The Coca Cola 600 was under way this week with many automobiles--this reporter counted at least seven of them--driving at high speeds along a circular track. For some reason a crowd of spectators gathered to watch the cars traveling in circles.

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Obama Waves Magic Wand: Liberals' Dreams Come True

In a move that stunned Washington insiders, President Obama granted the wishes of the most disaffected members of his base today. With one wave of his newly acquired magic wand, the president boosted domestic spending, raised taxes on the richest on...

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Pope Takes Leak, Seriously

A series of damaging leaks have swirled around Vatican City in recent weeks, much to the consternation of Pope Benedict XVI. "The older the Pope gets, the harder it is for him to take leaks," a Vatican spokesman said today. "It really gets to h...

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GOP Changes Stance: Life Begins at Birth Certificate

In a staggering reversal of a long-held belief, today the Grand Old Party ruled that life begins not at conception, but upon the release of the long form birth certificate. And even then, not really. Moved by republican hatred of the president,...

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Horse Wins Race

Funny story: Horse Wins Race

The 137th Preakness Stakes was run today, and for the 137th consecutive time the race was won by a small man riding a horse. I'll Have Another kept alive its hopes for a triple crown, or rather, kept alive the triple crown hopes of the people around...

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Romney Revealed to be Bully From the Karate Kid

Funny story: Romney Revealed to be Bully From the Karate Kid

Today he is known as the lovable robot programmed to take every conceivable policy position, but forty seven years ago, the Washington Post revealed today, Mitt Romney was also a bit of a douche. In his prep school days, the presumptive GOP nomi...

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al-Qaeda to Stick with Underwear-Based Explosives

Despite recent setbacks, the terrorist group al-Qaeda remains firmly committed to using their undergarments to try and blow things up, a spokesman said today. "We've tried shoes, socks, and of course underwear," said Jabir Al Jabazz in a telepho...

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Newt Quits Race, Vows to Conquer Russia

Today Newt Gingrich dismissed his run for the US presidency as "trivial" and "not befitting my vast talents and expertise." In a long, sparsely attended press conference, the former Speaker of the House vowed "to move on to more important things, na...

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Mensa Accepts Four-Year-Old

Today, Mensa, the exclusive club devoted to people with high IQs, accepted a four-year -old girl, prompting the question: If Mensa is so smart, why does it want to hang out with four-year-olds? To be sure, Tabitha Brady of Hampshire possesses an...

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Facebook Buys Everything for Ten Zillion Dollars

The entire universe--all that is or ever shall be--is now the legal property of Mark Zuckerberg, a spokesman for Facebook announced today. In exchange for a previously unheard of sum, everything, including you, has been absorbed by the corporate ent...

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Saudi Princess Calls for Radical Changes (sort of)

In an interview with the BBC, Princess Abu Dabo called for major systemic changes in her country, but stopped short of suggesting anything that might result in her getting pelted to death with stones. As one of 900 children sired by Ibn Saud, th...

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Titanic Memorial Cruise Hits Iceberg

It was meant to commemorate the voyage of the famous ship that went down in the North Atlantic one hundred years ago. It did, and in doing so, it met the same fate. Every detail was recreated exactly, from the route taken, to the numbers of pas...

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US Lottery Winner Vows to Squander Windfall

The anonymous Kansan who recently stepped forward to collect a check for $218 million acknowledged today that all of the money would be gone within a year. "I've got big plans for that money. I'm gonna rent me some diamond furniture, invest in...

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Russians Outraged at the Treatment of Victor Bout's Mustache

Reacting to the sentence handed down by a U.S. court yesterday against arms dealer Victor Bout a.k.a. the 'Merchant of Death,' Russian officials vowed to challenge the ruling, calling it "a tragedy of historical proportions." When asked how anyo...

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Victor Bout, 'Merchant of Death,' sentenced to wear mustache for life

When prosecutors asserted that former Soviet military officer sold weapons to Columbian rebels for the sole purpose of killing Americans, Bout stood and shouted, "It's a lie!" in front of a packed courtroom. "Those guns were never intended to ki...

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