Though the television news programmes may feed us daily lies of poverty, violence, unemployment and social unrest, the truth is that our government still makes vast amounts of profits due to the unsettled state of the uneducated world outside these fabulous Isles! Colman's Mustard Gas Since an accidental spill at the mustard bottling factory in 1927, which killed 87 local yokel Fens employee...
Regular Man - A new, middle of the road kind of hero Faster than a thing thats a bit slower than him! Stronger than a cup of tea made by a blind grandmother! Intelligent as a medium difficulty Sudoku puzzle-solver! To the untrained, semi-skilled and last year at University eye, he is plain, simple Reg Mann, but his alter ego secretly goes around righting wrongs, holding tram doors...
Super-heavyweight President bullier Michael Moore has spoken out about his disappointment over Barack Obama and his successful presidential campaign. "I know its good for the country, promises great change for the future, has been long overdue and al...
"Its the only way I can descend stairs!" declared the president in waiting (in bullet-proofed waiting, actually). His wife Michelle, said angrily "I cant believe you would resort to publishing hurtful stories about my family and their moving from...
News reports are trickling out of Iraq that its Thursday Flea Market & Hippie Stall Day passed by unnerving quietly. For the first time in 3 years, it appears that no suicide bombers were available to successfully activate a bomb in the name of m...
Well, no doubt you are trying to read this fantastic, humourous, well-crafted piece of literature with your pleased eyeballs, and somewhere off in the distance you can hear a buzzing. You really want to plough on with this article, hoping, yearning, almost praying that it will give you an excuse to behave like the belligerent, misogynistic, self-satisfying prick you know and pretend to despise. Yo...
Bored of the same tired, cliched, predictable exchanges we plough through every day to the point that you have begun wondering how many razor blades you have to gargle to make the perfect throat and face blood smoothie? No,me neither, but sometimes an alternative reply does spice things up a tad, and maybe you can even get that stiff backed waiter, bus driver, police officer, mugger etc to crack a...
Adolf Hitler absolutely adored board games. He was an adept scrabble player, though many thought his personal favourites would have been RISK or Monopoly, or even the long-delayed board version of Genocidal Ethnic Cleansing (for advanced players). It turned out that behind Adolfs seemingly innocent love of Scrabble, there was a darker aspect to his enthusiasm, apparently he was hoping to creat...
SUPER MARIO LANZA (Ann Offayacanna Refuse Entertainment ) Genre : Italian Croonathon No. of Players : 3 plus a rhythm section Difficulty Level : Medium, but don't get capsized over by the High Cs! Once in a while, a game comes along that knocks our socks off. And after 10 minutes in the delightful company of Super Mario Lanza, I looked under the table to observe that not only were my socks g...
WOMB RAIDER VI - The Damp Patch Diaries (I.L.P. Studios) Genre : Clam-Conquering Platformer No. of Players : You are THE player Difficulty Level : Interesting learning curve, from playground to playboy in 25 short years Those darlings at I.L.P. Studios (Ivana Lara Pussy) have hit financial gold with its seemingly never-ending Womb Raider series. Again you are thrust into the role of Larry Cr...
GLAND THEFT AUTOPSY (HIPPOCRATIC HYPOCRITES INC) Genre : First-person Looter (of mortuaries) No. of Players : Multiplayer collusion Difficulty Level : Easy, as long as you don't get discovered This sure-fire blockbuster is another venture into a 3D open-world playing arena, with an NHS children's hospital as the base for your shady shenanigans. Incorporating business management themes and al...
METAL GEAR FLACCID (VIAGRACOM SOFTWARE) Genre : Alcoholic Role-playing Adventure No. of Players : 1 sad loner Difficulty Level : Frustratingly Humiliating - hope the TVs insured In this latest instalment of Viagracoms ever popular series, you play the role of urban warrior and perpetual bed-wetter Flaccid Snake. Armed with the usual array of weapons and power-ups, ranging from pocketfuls of...
Dear Guru Mahavishnu of all knowing, (and a good general knowledge of plumbing) Oh great wise and wonderful one, can you please explain to me the rules between watching porn and having sex? For it is my understanding that I may have sexual intercourse with a female from the age of 16 but in order to actually watch myself having sex with this woman or anybody else have sex I must be 18? Pleas...
Dear Dr Mahavishnu, I am drunk, and tomorrow I'll be hung-over, do you know any miracle cures? Yours headachingly, Steve 'Acer' Woodchuck Dear 'Quite Inexpensive' Steve There are but 4 guaranteed solutions to your predicament young Liver Lasher 1) Stay Drunk - Forever 2) Get Drunker - Let the hospital detox do its magic 3) Chicken Soup with rusty nails in (digestion of nails...
Dear Mahavishnu 'BBZ' Burybobz Was JFK assassinated by the American government or was Lee Harvey Oswald guilty! Although the evidence is almost indisputable I would like to put my mind at rest once for all knowing that you have set my mind on the correct path! Your devout follower Dave 'Bugzy' Fribbins Dearest Dave, JFK, the first American president to be named after an airport, w...
Never again will we hear the dulcet tones of 5 year-olds reciting 'one times zero is zero, two times zero is zero' etc. Education chiefs have erased the Zero Times Table recitation from the school curriculum, but deny its another streamlining tactic.
Hair-trigger temper men across Britain awoke to the news that they may soon be able to hone their partner bruising skills for free, via a new Government incentive scheme. Police chiefs had recently reported the amount of officer hours wasted on do...
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