A jubilee party in Chutney on the Fritz was as much of a disaster as everyone thought it was going to be. Brian Asshat threw a lot of his shoes at people for no apparent reason, spoiling the punch bowl and the trifle in the process. Thomas Johnson…
They found a slot for Cliff Richard, Paddington Bear, Basil Brush, two blokes from Queen, and a Rod Stewart tribute act performing the greatest hits of Neil Diamond, so why was there no room in all of that for S Club? That is a question that is yet t…
Microwave Shane Worthington is no longer comfortable with the life that the factory prepared him for and now identifies as a Toaster. 'Yes' said the shiny metal box 'I am sick of living as a Microwave, and now I want to live my life as another shi…
Bewigged fool Michael Made-up, the Tory councillor for a very small town that calls itself a city because it has a Cathedral is feeling that his position as a foolish public defender of Boris Johnson is under threat. Richard Bacon MP, not to be co…
You know the bloke, who had a lustrous blonde wig, played acoustic guitar and wrote lyrics about how Proust stared out of his window and saw a butterfly dying in the sun, yes, you know him. Anyway, he is playing at your local Town Hall on Friday nigh…
Brian Asshat, grammar nazi, and thrower of shoes has said, to no-ones great surprise, that he will be giving the Conservatives one last go. Near neighbour, Gary Johnson said 'Over Lockdown I got to know Brian a bit, I mean I was always throwing hi…
Welsh DJ Morgan Piers has offered an opinion that no one asked for, or even wanted. When asked what the best sauce for Chips was on his three-thirty show, the 57-year-old DJ with a far from clean history said 'I could go both ways. Sometimes I…
News has reached us that in his downtime from his attempts to be a real-life Bond Villian, evil Russian bloke Vladimir Putin is launching an album of restful piano playing. Taking his cue from the vast success of Enya, Putin's soft, pastel-shaded…
Multi-millionaires are still kicking a football around a field, in the belief that doing so still matters. Footballer Hay Bales said 'Yeah, like, Man if the guys and me stop playing football, it has a massive impact on the world, I mean we are pai…
Are you reading the Daily Mail? Just stop doing it. Are you going to say 'Great pic' about an out of focus photo on social media? Just stop doing it. Are you reading something about politics? Just stop doing it.. Are you writing to…
Although it is nearly a year, bookworm and equal opportunities bod Gary Johnson is still recovering from reading the collective works of Nadine Dorries. Gary told us 'I have always been one of those people who gives authors a good go, regardless o…
Gary and Lorraine Johnson were shocked to learn that an actress looked different to how they remembered her. 'Gary and I were watching DI Ray last night, and we were both shocked to see that Parminder Nagra looked a bit different to how she did in…
Teenager Gareth Wotsit, a new chap around Mithering on the Trent has asked a question we all would like the answer to: Is Boris Johnson actually real? The Prime Minister has many traits that the right-wing press would find deplorable in other fiel…
Andy, you know Andy? That bloke with no surname? Thinks he is Cher or Madonna, or Pele, one of those famous people with no need for a surplus surname. Anyway, he has been critical on a micro news website, again. Obviously, we may well be stereotyp…
Hello, Mr Ray Ving here. You might remember me from such thought-provoking articles as My Chimpanzee only holds my hand, My Head, not your head, My Head, and that other one. Anyway, it strikes me occasionally, (like a broken clock) that the med…
Abigail Dale, the Daily Mail's newest intern is asking a question that no one can answer. Why is she writing so much gibberish? 'I thought this was going to be my big break' wailed Dale 'but so far I have had to write 200 words about Liz Hurley's…
That company in the high street, you know the one that has a new receptionist every fortnight, and which is always changing the names on the door has written on a job's website that it respects its employees. The receptionist before the one before…
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