FIRST MINISTER Alex Salmond last night revealed a controversial plan to turn Scotland into an economic powerhouse - taxing masturbation.
OSAMA BIN LADEN narrowly escaped capture last night after getting pissed out of his skull on an Al Qaeda stag night in Afghanistan.
OSAMA BIN LADEN has taunted George W Bush by sending him a 'Happy Anniversary' card - six years on from the day he became America's public enemy No.1.
TROUBLED Sixth Sense kid Cole Sear last night stunned friends and family by revealing he has been taking part in bare-knuckle boxing bouts since the age of 10.
SHOCK JOCK Howard Stern was last night fighting for his life after a freak accident involving former Mexican World Cup star Manuel Vidrio.
OUTRAGED Democrats last night called for President Bush to stand down after learning he had leaked vital defence plans on a MySpace page.
CHRISTIANS have been left stunned by the news that Jesus ISN'T planning a second coming.
PRODUCERS for the hit reality TV show I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here are considering naming convicted serial killer Charles Manson in their 2007 line-up.
THE Royal Mail last night announced they had terminated the contract of renowned troubleshooter Sir John Harvey-Jones after he proposed substituting postmen for cats.
PRESIDENT Bush last night stunned White House advisers by adding the tiny Faroe Islands to his 'Axis of Evil'.
FORMER Spurs winger Ruel Fox last night delivered a touching tribute to deceased children's entertainer Rod Hull by unveiling an iron effigy of him in his back garden.
A UKRAINIAN bicycle manufacturer in the picturesque village of Kil Menstal last night faced a barrage of criticism from women's groups at the official press launch of their new 2007 range.
FURIOUS Barcelona benchwarmer Eidur Gudjohnsen last night slapped in a transfer request after boss Frank Rijkaard sensationally banned his substitutes from keeping their legs warm with a blanket.
BELGIUM was last night booted off the UN's Security Council amid claims that its delegates were 'roustabouts' who treated the powerful organisation like a 'gentleman's club'.
WASHED-UP actor Scott Bakula last night handed himself in after claiming he was responsible for the deaths of over 100 million people.
LEE CHAPMAN last night slaughtered Nottingham Forest new boy Neil Lennon, by branding the former Celtic skipper "a clapped-out muppet".
FORMER Manchester United star Quinton Fortune last night stunned the sporting world by turning his back on football to sign a deal with Major League baseball side the Atlanta Braves.
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