LOS ANGELES, CA - Justin Bieber held a press conference today to announce that he retires and will begin the New Year as a speck of lint. "But I don't want to be any speck of lint, just the speck of lint you see on the left hand side middle of yo...
LAS VEGAS, Nevada - In a secret ceremony, under the gaze of a plastic Elvis bust, Justin Bieber's mom, Pattie, 37, wed Niles Dibly, 56, an accountant who works in London for the Church of England. "Well I was travelling alone, taking in the sight...
LONDON, UK - Actor Peter O'Toole admitted that he'd go mad if he had to face another Christmas watching himself in Lawrence of Arabia. "Open presents, Christmas dinner, then sit down and find the only thing on tele is Lawrence of Arabia. What kin...
TORONTO, Canada - Rob Ford, Mayor of Toronto, was exposed by undercover detectives as a Jamaican drug kingpin who was thought to have died in a narc plane crash several years ago. The discovery was unhatched during a Christmas party at City Hall whic...
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. - Famed juvenile delinquent and pop star, Justin Bieber, has decided to hang up his diapers in order to become a full time student at Harvard beginning next fall semester. While he laments the loss of income, Mr. Bieber believes the...
LONDON, UK - "Monty Python will not be doing a show in a building that looks like a vagina," stated producer, Eric Idle. It is thought that most of the troop had been warm to the idea, with the exception of John Cleese who is coming off his third div...
NEW YORK CITY, NY - A group of orthodox Jews from Israel, in town for an arms convention and the Letterman Show, ended up calling police as they couldn't find the entrance to the Trump Tower. When S.W.A.T arrived, they found the group furiously h...
GLASGOW, Scotland - A flock of seagulls, distraught over the loss of their mates to a windmill farm by hatching a plan to take out a helicopter over a popular Glasgow pub, says anthropologist and part-time crime writer, Archibald Leach, University of...
BRILLIANT, Ohio - In front of a hometown live television audience, Illusionist/Contortionist, Mr. Winston Brevity, in a stellar reality performance, managed to contort himself into a pretzel and then disappear up his own butt. As advertised in th...
WASHINGTON, DC - The official thanksgiving turkey, a Mr. Thomas Gobbler, was pardoned by President Obama before the Thanksgiving feast, and then the President, in a surprise announcement, asked forgiveness from Mr. Gobbler for having taken away his h...
DRESDEN, Germany - A cannibal cop arrested for the killing of a man he met online is blaming his crime on the fact that he ate horse meat lasagna purchased and eaten last year and claims it gave him mad cow disease. A representative from Findus,...
WASHINGTON, DC - In a candid interview done by a piece of thread dangling off retired journalist, Barbara Walter, The First Lady, Michelle Obama reveals some startling things she hates about The White House Experience. * When ever he can, the President likes to replay videos of the '70's dance show 'Soul Train'. * There's this group of about 3 or 4 men, whenever Michelle sees them, they...
LOS ANGELES - Behind heavily fortified fencing and along the shark infested waters in Malibu, aging singer, Barbra Streisand, the lady that sang the phrase 'People, who need other people, are the luckiest people in the world', now believes people are...
President Obama sent two B52 bombers over some tiny little islands near China and dropped some bombs. The nuclear winter they are expected to produce should last approximately 50 years. You can go back to fossil fuels now. No one should feel guil...
ASPEN, Co. - An arctic cold front moved into most of the U.S. this weekend, cutting off global warming activists from their private jets and threatened to derail their summit for preaching sensible energy use in the cocaine tinged mountain colony of...
WASHINGTON, Illinois - 53 million people in the United States were under severe weather watch as storms pounded much of the north central and eastern coastal states, brought on by the wrath of God. While under a half dozen people were thought to b...
TOKYO, Japan - Currently in the midst of his 'Out There Tour', Japanese concert goers have noticed something unsettling about iconic megastar Paul McCartney's aura. With a career spanning over half a century, the permanent teenaged Mop Top seems to h...
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