In a bold move to reduce prison violence, the British government has announced that it will be taking away guns and knives from prisoners. The policy, which will be introduced in early 2017, will mean that prisoners in UK jails will no longer be able...
Big, bad-ass billionaire bozo Donald Trump who wants to be the next President of the United States of America told shrieking supporters that he would kick alien ass and lock them permanently out of planet earth by building a wall around the planet. H...
Opposition Leader Jeremy Corbyn has allegedly built a time machine which transports people back to the 1970s, it has been alleged. The allegation was made by Prime Minister David Cameron at PMQs. Cameron claims that the time machine is a bicycle, pow...
The already charged political debate in America became electrified yesterday when President Obama was asked what he thought about GOP front runner Donald Trump and said "You can put a toupee on a donkey but it's still a donkey". GOP activists reac...
Republican hopeful Ben Carson has demanded that all visitors to America should be asked the purpose of their visit before they are allowed in. The former neurosurgeon, interviewed by CNN, proposed the introduction of a system of "visas", which, u...
The Labour Party said goodbye to former Liverpool and Bradford City striker Stan Collymore as he dramatically changed his allegiance to the SNP, even though he's never lived in Scotland. Collymore was protesting about the fact that some Labour MP...
Former Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen has been seen in a new film slurping the gerkin. The grainy footage shows the once handsome celebrity getting his knees dirty and smoking some pole. Sheen, 50, lost his role as hard-drinking, womanizing...
Reuters, South Africa: Arnold Pistorius, the Uncle of convicted killer Oscar Pistorius has purchased a pair of bullet-proof pyjamas, it has been revealed. Oscar is now living at Uncle Arnold's mansion on Lawley Street, amidst controversy about whe...
Medical staff in a Manchester hospital struggled to save the life of a middle-aged man who was rushed to the Accident & Emergency ward after watching one too many Labour leadership debates. The unnamed victim was pronounced dead "from utter bored...
President of FIFA Sepp Blatter shits banknotes, it is claimed, in a new biography of his life. The Swiss football administrator goes to the gents, drops his trousers and his boxers, puckers his buttock cheeks, makes a loud grunting noise and literall...
The British Government announced that it will not be forced into a "knee jerk" reaction by the provocations of the Jihadist terrorists who are currently sweeping through Iraq and Syria. "There will be no boots on the ground or in the air", said Eton-...
Princess Leia actress Carrie Fisher has agreed not to wear headphones during the filming of the latest Star Wars movie. This is believed to be a major coup for J.J. Abrams, since Fisher had worn the distinct audio accessories throughout filming of th...
While government sources applauded the 7% drop in crime last year, charities and social welfare groups warned that the drop is nothing to do with people being better behaved but is entirely due to the fact that people are too poor to commit crimes.
Spoilsport ex-spy Edward Snowden is in hiding in Hong Kong after revealing to the world one of America's closest-guarded secrets, namely that President Barack Obama isn't black. Snowden, using some Evil Genius software, commandeered every televisi...
Royal bad boy Prince Harry made a dramatic intervention last week, it was revealed, when a soldier from his unit almost bought a yellow t-shirt to wear with blue jeans. The incident occurred at a Next outlet in Afghanistan, when the private, drunk af...
There was embarrassment at a specialist hospital in Bradford today when it was revealed that following a 6 hour operation to give patient Robert Handy a new hand, surgeons had accidentally given him the hand of a criminal. Mr. Handy lost his left...
President Obama admitted that the nation is on a fiscal cliff as Democrats and Republicans have failed to reach any agreement on the budget. Democrats want to increase the number of taxis in Washington whereas thrifty Republicans want to reduce speed...
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