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Funny story: CDC Says Despite Rumors, Mimes Not Safe From Coronavirus Behind Invisible Glass Wall Thingy

CDC Says Despite Rumors, Mimes Not Safe From Coronavirus Behind Invisible Glass Wall Thingy

Washington D.C. - The CDC made an announcement today that rocked the world of street-performing mimes and silenced a rumor that has permeated their culture. "We have inarguable proof," said Fredrick Paulson, 43, a spokesperson for the Center For D…

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Funny story: Local Resident Admits: 2020's New Year's Resolution To Start Saving Leftover Ketchup Packets From Burger Shack Seems A Little Stupid Now

Local Resident Admits: 2020's New Year's Resolution To Start Saving Leftover Ketchup Packets From Burger Shack Seems A Little Stupid Now

Seattle, WA - A local factory worker here admitted to fellow employees that his New Year's resolution to save all the extra ketchup packets left over from his multiple daily trips to Burger Shack seemed "okay, a little stupid, I guess" in light of th...

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Funny story: Neighbors' Baby Uglier Than Shit

Neighbors' Baby Uglier Than Shit

Fairbury, Nebraska - A local couple gave birth to their first child Tuesday, and, according to their neighbor, the baby is uglier than shit. The ugly baby was born to Sarah and Michael Austin of Fairbury. Neighbor, Sal Greene, a 65-year-old writer...

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Funny story: President Trump Sings Softly, Tenderly To Vladimir Putin - "He's my widdow Wushian Pootie Poo! Yes he is! Yes he iiiiiiiiiiis!"

President Trump Sings Softly, Tenderly To Vladimir Putin - "He's my widdow Wushian Pootie Poo! Yes he is! Yes he iiiiiiiiiiis!"

Washington DC - President Trump sang It's A Small World After All while rocking a sleeping Vladimir Putin in his lap, a practice that his staff says has become too frequent and too troubling. "My staff, and even America, will never understand," sa...

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Funny story: Darth Vader's Explosive Tell-All Book "Force of Habit" Confesses Addiction To Force - "But Nobody Forced Me To Do It," He Says

Darth Vader's Explosive Tell-All Book "Force of Habit" Confesses Addiction To Force - "But Nobody Forced Me To Do It," He Says

We met up with "force-free" Vader at a cantina on Tatooine, where he works as a waiter and lounge singer. He was willing to tell us about his upcoming book, Force of Habit - Behind the Breathey-Scary Mask Thingy, which chronicles his early years as a...

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Funny story: A Cuddler On My Six - A Traveler's Commentary

A Cuddler On My Six - A Traveler's Commentary

Simon Trevoc travels the country meeting new people, then tells us all about it. Join him in his new adventure. A sultry July night. I'm driving west on I-80 at ninety-one miles per hour. Headlights in my rearview draw closer and closer. Through...

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Funny story: Dear Cynical Sam: An Advice Column

Dear Cynical Sam: An Advice Column

The following are letters from Cynical Sam's readers. Both of them. Dear Cynical Sam, This is the seventh letter I've written you about this, and you have never answered. So here I go again. My husband Harold and I went for a drive three mo...

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Funny story: FDA Issues Recall For Entire Turnip Crop Due To Salmonella Contamination - "Oh, no! What are we going to do now?" Said Nobody

FDA Issues Recall For Entire Turnip Crop Due To Salmonella Contamination - "Oh, no! What are we going to do now?" Said Nobody

Washington DC - Due to salmonella contamination, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced a recall of all turnips today, causing quite a stir with Nobody. "I can't believe this is happening. Turnips are the tastiest food ever, so I'm prett...

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Funny story: High School "Hero" Fights "Robot Ninjas" While Protecting Cheerleader's Gum - Recieves "Award"

High School "Hero" Fights "Robot Ninjas" While Protecting Cheerleader's Gum - Recieves "Award"

Wayne, NE - A Blue Valley High School senior here courageously fought off two "robot ninjas" and has been awarded the coveted American Hero Award, all in his own head. What wasn't in his own head was his vow to watch over a beautiful cheerleader's gu...

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Funny story: Customer Refuses To Pay Restaurant Tab Based On Personal Conviction - "I don't believe in the existence of a cook."

Customer Refuses To Pay Restaurant Tab Based On Personal Conviction - "I don't believe in the existence of a cook."

Salt Lake City -A biologist's refusal to pay his restaurant tab has led to his arrest, but has also incited heated controversy in the town of Falls Face, Utah. It is a topic of intense discussion after Paul Ramses, 26, working as a consultant with...

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Funny story: Confidential White House Source Says Area 51 Is Trump's Sooper-Dooper Maxi, Top Secret, Ultra-Cool, Big, Giant Blanket Fort

Confidential White House Source Says Area 51 Is Trump's Sooper-Dooper Maxi, Top Secret, Ultra-Cool, Big, Giant Blanket Fort

Area 51, Nevada - A really cool and mysterious secret source from the White House sent a super sensitive coded message to the press today, stating that Area 51 is actually President Trump's Sooper-Dooper Maxi, Top Secret, Big, Giant Blanket Fort, and...

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Funny story: Roscoe's "Wilderness Survival Tips I Learned the Hard Way"

Roscoe's "Wilderness Survival Tips I Learned the Hard Way"

I've always loved camping. I have camped hundreds of times in hundreds of different places. The mountains, the desert, ocean beaches, the woods behind my ex-girlfriend's house - I have camped everywhere. And, in the course of my adventures, I have le...

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Funny story: Are You Psychotic? Answer this questionnaire and find out, you crazy bastard.

Are You Psychotic? Answer this questionnaire and find out, you crazy bastard.

By Dr. Ronald Thompson Are you psychotic? Sure, we all wonder that. In my practice, patients have asked me that question numerous times, and I always give them the same answer: Probably. But I needed more than that to actually prove that someon...

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Funny story: Local Man Informed Reality Show "Amazing Race" Not About How "Amazing" White People Are - Demands Networks Be More Literal

Local Man Informed Reality Show "Amazing Race" Not About How "Amazing" White People Are - Demands Networks Be More Literal

Wahoo, Nebraska - A local man here was surprised when infomed that the reality show "Amazing Race" had nothing to do with how great white people are, and is lobbying to force networks to be less deceitful and name their shows according to their true...

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Funny story: Douchebag, High School Football Jock To Receive Award For Breaking District's "That's What She Said" Record

Douchebag, High School Football Jock To Receive Award For Breaking District's "That's What She Said" Record

Fairbury, Nebraska - A douchebag High School football jock was all smiles today after breaking the district record for the most times one player has said "that's what she said" during a single season of football. Senior, Derren Brown, 17, quarterb...

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Funny story: Movie-Quoting Dumbass Who Stood Precariously On Railing Of Cruise Ship No Longer King of the Wo- Woah! Aaaaaaaaah!

Movie-Quoting Dumbass Who Stood Precariously On Railing Of Cruise Ship No Longer King of the Wo- Woah! Aaaaaaaaah!

10 miles west of the Florida Keys- A cliché- and movie-quoting dumbass, who thought he was being really original by re-enacting a famous scene from the movie Titanic, ceased to be king of the world on Friday, when he slipped from the railing of the C...

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Funny story: Man Invents Breakthrough Contraption That Assist Old People Who Are Always Forgetting Shit

Man Invents Breakthrough Contraption That Assist Old People Who Are Always Forgetting Shit

Omaha, Nebraska - A lifelong resident here, has created a breakthrough invention for aging adults with memory troubles. Philip Myers, 63, claims The Invention will change people's lives. "It happens to all of us old folks," states Myers. "We're si...

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