Police were called to Johnston Elementary School after a student allegedly fired several slugs at the back of a classmate's head. 7-year-old Tonya Perkins ran to a teacher saying she was shot several times in the head. When asked who shot her, she...
Lawmakers in many US states, after growing tired of inmates blaming their arrests on their race, have finally made being a member of a minority group a crime. So now, when inmates allege that they are only in prison due to their race, prison official...
A recent ground-breaking discovery has discovered that pedophilia is linked to a mineral deficiency in the brain. According to Dr. James Harpington of Area Research Center in Reasonville, "We have determined that sex offenders tend to lack suffic...
The FDA is shaking their heads after the latest alleged side-effect of vaccines. Jennifer Mowery claims that her daughter, Jessica, grew a second head after the latest round of vaccines. To further complicate matters, Jessica may be required by la...
To stem the tide of youth smokers and those using vaping products such as Juul devices, the FDA will be adding numerous new regulations for cigarettes and vaping products. In addition to banning menthol cigarettes to help reduce the number of youth a...
Girlicon introduces a new of pink, scented revolvers. Let's face it, the world is a scary place. In this day and age, if you are a girl or even a gay guy for that matter, you've got to protect yourself. You may ask, why Girlicon? For years, peo...
We've all heard about socialism and its alleged dangers to society. But did you know there is also antisocialism, and it's on the rise? We sent our news crew out to investigate. We first approach a random citizen, "John Nunyabusiness," which we su...
Mona Lotz was scheduled for trial yesterday in District Court. She was facing several counts of theft and knew it was highly likely that she would do time. Knowing she'd be unable to go for days without being on her phone, she realized she'd have to...
A school district is forbidding students from painting their faces completely purple or green after a racist incident where most of the students painted themselves purple. On High School Prank Day at New Horizons High, nearly the entire student bo...
President Plum of Purpalon is expressing shock and outrage after discovering the social media comments of a congresswoman who dared to question his motives for helping the Bluish people. According to President Plum, "We should all work to eliminat...
US experts are concerned about a steady rise in cosmetic procedures to widen the head and enlarge the eyes in mostly teen and preteen girls. Jennifer Smith is 12 years old, and she has been begging her parents for the last two years to get the upp...
Ixxy Zigou is a 22-year-old spotted woman who is studying journalism at the University of Lodenia. This year, she decided to enter the Miss Green pageant, which is open to all green women. There were a total of eight contestants in the competition...
If you take a good look at the coastline of Haiti, you will see plenty of garbage, debris, flies, and fecal matter. It is no surprise, that in light of this and President Trump's comments, Haiti is set to change its name to Shithole. Haiti's Presi...
Squaresville Middle School accidentally served fecal matter for lunch. Surprisingly, students commented that it tasted better than what was served before. Bobby Smith, one of the students, said, "After months of giving us unidentified green stuff,...
Due to the waning popularity of the NFL, as well as scandals, the backlash from political correctness, and the loss of general entertainment value, NFL officials are set to allow players from other planets to play. Not everyone is welcoming the mo...
Two north pole magnets are suing because they really love each other and are not allowed to unite. According to their attorney, Dave Smith, they should have the right to express their attraction to one another and not be forced to keep it hidden.
Tentacle Bank of Planet Purplonia is getting ready to bring their business to Earth. New television ads for the bank proclaim, "Tentacle Bank offers loans at 2% APR, savings at 16% interest. How does that grab you?" Financial experts are a bit puz...
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